Emotional Pain

Another hard day for my wife and family today, as the reality of the situation starts to set in. I have damaged so much, I can't even put it in words...Aside from the entire life savings that I have lost for us, the emotional damage I have done is unforgivable. I know I will probably never be forgiven for what my actions and I also know that my words at this moment don't mean a damn thing...I have to show my wife through my actions that I am going to do everything I can to make sure that she doesn't have to carry the burden of any of my debts that I have created going forward.

As I wrote in a previous post, I have decided to start this blog to make sure I don't forget that amount of pain that I put m family through. And I want to be committed to stay on track and ensure I can pay every penny back, as long as it takes...and knowing that will only take care of the money part...it will not replace the emotional and mental impact I have caused...

On the amount of money I have lost, I won't say a specific amount...to be honest with you, I don't even know how much it is...all I know, it is a lot...let's just use the round number of $1,000,000. So in another effort to stay committed to this blog, I have decided to track my progress on paying my family back....knowing it will take a very long time.

 I also know that there are other people struggling with financial stress in a much lower income level that where I was...but this blog is about trying to find hope and to help with the disease and depression that takes over my life and causes me to lose out on so much happiness that is going on around me..

Things that I have done to start the process of paying it back:
 - Cancelled a subscription to get a refund for $60

I am also looking for a second job, one in which I can work during the 2nd or 3rd shift...trying to see if becoming an Uber or Lyft driver can provide any meaningful $'s...will let you know how that works out.

Lastly for today, I also need to start showing my wife that I am serious about my mental health. I have been to 2 therapist sessions in the past few weeks, but I need to attend a local Gambler's Anonymous meeting to help with my disease....For me to get to the point of seeing a therapist was a huge step....I have never talked to a therapist, and to be completely honest, actually avoided a therapist in the past (more on that in a later post)