K thinks I am an Idiot

One hard thing about trying to move forward with K is the fact that she is not being honest with me about this relationship with Q....as I came across another situation this weekend where I was reminded of that.

As I mentioned before, Q lives in our town and some of the kids ages overlap, which increases the likelihood of running int him around town events. This weekend, it was the opening home game of the high school football team and I decided on a whim to take the kids there....as they are really starting to get into football...it is also a cheap fun event to do with kids and that helps in my current situation. When I told K that I was going to take the kids to the game, she started to act strange and a bit off....normally she would have been all over this, not that she sees us together right now but we are trying to act more civil when we are around the kids...Then I remembered, one of Q's kids just started to play on the football team and that means, Q would be at the game also...

So then I made sure we made the game. As we were getting to the field, K was acting more and more uncomfortable, guessing that she is worried right now we are going to cross paths at the game....as she is constantly jumping on her phone to text someone as we get closer to the game, and also checking the phone throughout the game.

So we got to the start of the 2nd half and that is when I saw him...He was starting to walk towards us and then he either saw me or K and he stopped dead in his tracks and watched the game from there. There were points of time I could have sworn he seen me looking at him but then he turned away. Funny enough, another one of his kids was actually right next to me and my kids as K was sitting on the stands right behind us....I am not sure what she was thinking but guessing some of it was she can't believe how close her two worlds are starting to collide.

We actually had to leave a bit before the end of the game and K did her best to try and give us an escape route to stay away fro Q as we exit but one of my kids decided to run up near the part of the fence that he was standing. I decided to go follow my child and was a good 10 feet away from Q at this time...I didn't do anything but turned around and walked out...here was another moment that K probably was sweating bullets.

I wasn't sure what I would have done or say if Q said something to me...there were times when I was going to say something to K or Q during the game, but decided against...my kids were there and I need to focus on them.

I realize it is over with K...started to a few weeks ago but now the dishonesty is starting to impact how we are together around the kids...I know I am the last person to talk about honesty and what I have done, but I am trying to be a better person and move forward from my wrongdoings.

This anger is directed towards me not you K

So the holiday weekend has passed and it was okay. I did end up seeing my kids for some time, wish it was more but I will take anything I can get right now. I ended up driving a lot this week which is helpful on a couple of fronts: making more money and trying to get my mind of things.

There were some good trips during the week. As I have met folks that I was able to talk to what I am going through and almost used the ride as my therapy session. In particular, there was one couple who I picked up from a local concert and they were both divorced with kids. They helped me understand this is a long road and if I need to show K how committed I am to showing her that I am the person that she thought I was before the confession, but that I am dealing with the addiction and depression at this point. I need to show her over time, through my actions, that although I am at the lowest point in my life, I am committed to becoming stronger everyday...showing her that I am not going to let her or the kids be alone if that is not what she wants. So I really do want to thank that couple for spending the time with me, I will remember their advice...and also the really good tip as well.

But the as the weekend continued to pass, I found myself getting more and more mad at K because of the lack of honesty at this point. And now, it is starting to impact my time with the kids....and that is really starting to get to me. Being able to see the kids only 1-2 days a week is tough. And now that the school and sports schedules are going to start back up, I have a feeling the kid coordination is going to get tricky. I feel like I am being pushed out of my kids lives slowly and slowly, and that is what is getting me angry. I have already come to grips that I lost K for good, trying to hold onto any signs of helpfully having a friendship relationship with her in the future, but the lack of honesty and communication with me and the impact it has on my relationship with my kids is what is going on in my head these last few days.

I try not to get mad at K directly because I am aware I brought this on to myself, I actually am mad at myself and since I have no one to talk to, the little time I talk to her in passing at the end of the night I end up saying too much to her...and recently my frustrations have started to show up in those conversations.

I also found myself now exploring lawyers, I never thought I would end up doing this but feeling like I am getting pushed out of my kids lives, the concern I have that Q lives in the same town and has been at the house with them at multiple times, and the toll driving 8 hours a day as a second job has led me to think that I need to be ready to protect my kids. They are the only ones that are helping me hold it together right now.

Tracker Update:
Uber and Lyft earnings after gas expense was $900




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Wedding Band

So K said something to me today that was yet another sign of hope dwindling away...she said, " I noticed you are still wearing your wedding band, and all that means to me was a 14 year old lie of a marriage since I don't know who you are"

I know I really hurt my wife with my lies and she has every right not to talk to me ever again...but I am not ready to take off my wedding band. I get through the nights as a driver looking at family pictures and trying to think of the positive moments in my life to keep me from entering the depths or depression, even though K says all those moments were lies and she can't stand thinking about any moment with me because I am a con artist...and she is right...I am a con artist who stole and lied to her...and I know things will never be the same, that is the debt that I will never be able to repay to K and the kids

Emotional Pain

Another hard day for my wife and family today, as the reality of the situation starts to set in. I have damaged so much, I can't even put it in words...Aside from the entire life savings that I have lost for us, the emotional damage I have done is unforgivable. I know I will probably never be forgiven for what my actions and I also know that my words at this moment don't mean a damn thing...I have to show my wife through my actions that I am going to do everything I can to make sure that she doesn't have to carry the burden of any of my debts that I have created going forward.

As I wrote in a previous post, I have decided to start this blog to make sure I don't forget that amount of pain that I put m family through. And I want to be committed to stay on track and ensure I can pay every penny back, as long as it takes...and knowing that will only take care of the money part...it will not replace the emotional and mental impact I have caused...

On the amount of money I have lost, I won't say a specific amount...to be honest with you, I don't even know how much it is...all I know, it is a lot...let's just use the round number of $1,000,000. So in another effort to stay committed to this blog, I have decided to track my progress on paying my family back....knowing it will take a very long time.

 I also know that there are other people struggling with financial stress in a much lower income level that where I was...but this blog is about trying to find hope and to help with the disease and depression that takes over my life and causes me to lose out on so much happiness that is going on around me..

Things that I have done to start the process of paying it back:
 - Cancelled a subscription to get a refund for $60

I am also looking for a second job, one in which I can work during the 2nd or 3rd shift...trying to see if becoming an Uber or Lyft driver can provide any meaningful $'s...will let you know how that works out.

Lastly for today, I also need to start showing my wife that I am serious about my mental health. I have been to 2 therapist sessions in the past few weeks, but I need to attend a local Gambler's Anonymous meeting to help with my disease....For me to get to the point of seeing a therapist was a huge step....I have never talked to a therapist, and to be completely honest, actually avoided a therapist in the past (more on that in a later post)

Reality Bites

So today was a hard day...Seeing how hard this is going to impact my kids and I need to do everything I can to make sure they know that I will also be there for them. Still in early days of when I broke the news to my wife of how much debt I put us in....and the kids were planning to head to see the grandparents for a few days, but my middle child had a real hard time with me not coming. I have been on many business trips before and had to stay overnight for a few days, but today felt different...saying buy to him, he was acting like he was never going to see me again...and it hurt to see how just the beginning of this is starting to impact them.

I keep asking myself what have I done and how did I get here.. Today was a reminder of no matter how this ends up with my wife, I will always be there for my kids...It might take me awhile to stop working multiple jobs to get us out of this debt....but I will not let them figure life out without their father.