Today was a lonely day for me

This really sucks, I still can't believe what I did to hurt my loved ones...and I deserve every ounce of this. Today was the first full day that I haven't talked to my wife or kids in a long time....and it sucks and this is not the life I want to live...I need to show my wife over time that I am truly sorry for how much I have hurt her, and then just hoping that the two of us can have a decent relationship for the sake of our kids...I hope she doesn't keep me for seeing my kids (I can understand if she does because of how much of a disease I am)...It has been about one week since I confessed to her about my gambling addiction and how I have lost our life savings, and I don't expect things to be all good overnight. I just have to remind myself to fight the urge to try and win it all back in one or two big swoops, because that is how I got here in the first place.

I also need to find another GA meeting to go to, I need to get some more help and understand the 12 steps to recovery. I am committing to myself that I will go to another meeting in the next day or so as I travel home from a business trip.

The one thing that I will share, an deep memory of mine that might show me the beginnings of my gambling addiction was when I was around 10 years old and it was with my father. I didn't have many memories with my father as he was diagnosed with cancer when I was 6, battled through 10 years or so with the cancer as it metastasized through his body and ended up taking his life when I was 16 years old...but the one memory is when I use to sit on his lap during the annual New Years Eve party that he had with his friends and playing cards. There would be a group of the guys sitting around the table with stacks of cash in front of them playing cards. I was mesmerized at the concept of being able to win so much money (at the time) by having fun with your friends and playing a game of cards...This was one of many experiences that put in motion, with my character flaws, the disease and depression that I am struggling with today. Don't take this as me blaming my father for my illness, but I am very sensitive to make sure I don't create a similar experience for any of my kids.

I truly hope that I find a way to manage my mental disease and get back to enjoying time with my kids and family....I want to make sure my wife knows that I will always love her even though my actions might say a different thing...and that I am going to work so hard to show her that I am serious about trying to get back to normalcy.

One last note regarding the payback tracker, I have become an authorized Lyft driver today and will start working my 2nd job at night to increase the $'s to payback my wife and family...I see that as another good step in the right direction...One day at a Time.

Emotional Pain

Another hard day for my wife and family today, as the reality of the situation starts to set in. I have damaged so much, I can't even put it in words...Aside from the entire life savings that I have lost for us, the emotional damage I have done is unforgivable. I know I will probably never be forgiven for what my actions and I also know that my words at this moment don't mean a damn thing...I have to show my wife through my actions that I am going to do everything I can to make sure that she doesn't have to carry the burden of any of my debts that I have created going forward.

As I wrote in a previous post, I have decided to start this blog to make sure I don't forget that amount of pain that I put m family through. And I want to be committed to stay on track and ensure I can pay every penny back, as long as it takes...and knowing that will only take care of the money part...it will not replace the emotional and mental impact I have caused...

On the amount of money I have lost, I won't say a specific amount...to be honest with you, I don't even know how much it is...all I know, it is a lot...let's just use the round number of $1,000,000. So in another effort to stay committed to this blog, I have decided to track my progress on paying my family back....knowing it will take a very long time.

 I also know that there are other people struggling with financial stress in a much lower income level that where I was...but this blog is about trying to find hope and to help with the disease and depression that takes over my life and causes me to lose out on so much happiness that is going on around me..

Things that I have done to start the process of paying it back:
 - Cancelled a subscription to get a refund for $60

I am also looking for a second job, one in which I can work during the 2nd or 3rd shift...trying to see if becoming an Uber or Lyft driver can provide any meaningful $'s...will let you know how that works out.

Lastly for today, I also need to start showing my wife that I am serious about my mental health. I have been to 2 therapist sessions in the past few weeks, but I need to attend a local Gambler's Anonymous meeting to help with my disease....For me to get to the point of seeing a therapist was a huge step....I have never talked to a therapist, and to be completely honest, actually avoided a therapist in the past (more on that in a later post)