Thinking there is hope and realizing not

I have been so confused lately... I find myself thinking more about what is going to happen with K in the future and my mind is going crazy. I get these mixed signals from her on days where she calls me and is crying....and then other days she doesn't want anything to do with me... I am obsessing over winning her back and started to realize I am losing track of focusing on myself.

I will say, writing this article for the blog because it is helping me think and realize they aren't mixed signals from K, she is just still dealing with the shakeout as well. I am also not sure if how the relationship with Q is progressing...I have to stop thinking about that and realize I can't control it...

I attribute these thoughts to a few things:
1. Our 14th wedding anniversary just passed this week and that definitely messed with my mental state.

2. My therapist told me in a recent session that I am having a hard time letting go of the relationship and says it is part of the mourning process. She did say it takes some people longer than others but I have to stay focused on me.


All I can say, it is so hard. I will have to say with my focus on what the future holds with K and I, I do find myself not thinking about gambling as much and it has been 56 days since my last bet...only in instances where I think it will be all good with K if I miraculously find a way to pay off all theses debts right away...but I know that isn't the right answer.

At the end of the day, I am reading too much into some signals and conversations with K and also the fact that she is still not being honest with me about her and Q... I then remind myself of how she went about this relationship with Q and quickly slap myself into reality of how painful it feels knowing those details.. damn this hurts...thinking there is hope and realizing not

Update to Payback tracker:
Weekly Uber/Lyft earnings were $430

    

Marriage, beyond repair?

Lately I have been projecting in the future of if K wants me back, how will I get over this Q relationship? I feel that we have damaged our marriage so bad that it isn't fixable....definitely not in the short-term.

Some days are better than others when I think that I can't control what K wants for her life but there is a piece of me that continues to mourn the loss of the close relationship I have had with my wife. I do not want to let go and want to continue to fight for her...but her lack of honesty about the relationship with Q throws me in a mental roller coaster.

These thoughts re-emerged because it feels that there are early cracks in her relationship with Q and that K is reaching out to me on certain nights where she might be afraid of what the future holds. I understand the emotion that she is going through and take that as a small sign of hope for us in the future....but then I am reminded of how can I get over this....I totally understand the severity of the pain and loss that my disease has caused, resulting in a huge break of trust with K....but if trust is broken on both sides to such degree...how does a couple rebound from this? Obviously slowly and with professional help....I am committed to that at a minimum, putting in all the hard work to try and save this relationship...just scared of not being sure of being offered the chance to save it with K and if so, what might the outcome be...knowing how the current separation is affecting my kids, especially the youngest one.

These thoughts are becoming more prominent lately as our wedding anniversary is approaching...

I often think, "What have I done and when will this pain end?"

If you are a new reader to my blog, here is a link to one of my early posts providing more context on these thoughts...


     

Bitter Sweet

So it is a bitter sweet moment for me today, I get to hang out with my kids and that always puts me in a great mood. Today was the first day they saw my new apartment since my gambling confession to K and the separation. Of course, the kids take it in stride and say "wow...now we have two houses" but deep down I know they don't understand the severity of what I have done,..deep down I know that I have stripped them from having a childhood where both parents lived together and the family unit was a whole.

I am trying not to think about it too much because the depression will start to sink in. Makes you think of how simple life was when you are younger, and how much harder you can make your life with certain decisions.

But for know, my job is to get these kids to laugh as much as possible with me today.


    

Sharing a TED talk that is helping me today

As I continue to work on Operation Reset for myself, I recently came across a TED talk that was very  informative at this stage in my life. "There's more to life than being happy" by Emily Esfahani Smith is the TED talk and here is the link. She shares her four pillars of a meaningful life.

Listen for yourself but the one section that was really helpful was the pillar about storytelling. And how I need to weave a different story...a redemptive story is what I am currently working on

Payback tracker: It was a good week with a $2,000 check from work, $500 in Uber/Lyft earnings, and $13 in EBay/Craigslist online sales.


     

Too good to be true

I knew it was too good to be true...the weekend was going great with K (relatively speaking) until Sunday night and then I was reminded of how much I hurt K. Being that is has been only 7 weeks or so since my confession, her actions are still telling me that she has no care in the world for me and that isn't going to change anytime soon....and I understand.

With this separation in its early stages, we are both trying to figure out this co-parenting arrangement out since we never sat down and laid out the specifics of this separation. And with that comes a weekly discussion around how we are handling the kids during the weekend...All was going well until K decided to stay out much longer than we talk about on Sunday night and without any text telling me of when she will be at the house.

I know I can't control K and who she is with but the part of it was that there was a certain time that we talked about and she had no care to alert me...telling me that I really screwed this up and who knows what the future holds for us...I am just trying to salvage a  friendly relationship at this time since we need to get this co-parenting thing right for the kids.

I will also say that I have been wrestling with certain scenarios in the future....and I am being asked by my therapist of what do I want out of this relationship in the future....knowing that I still feel so responsible and guilty for this all, I want to have K back...but also knowing of what has been going on with Q and with such details....not sure how I can move past that with K...I know it is going to be hard no matter how this goes and not sure of when and if I ever get to that bridge....but that is something that has been swirling in my head...I will cross that bridge when I get there...

And onto to picking up some more Uber and Lyft rides.



    

A couple of good days

The last couple of days have been better than normal...I was able to hang out with my kids for the weekend and we had a lot of fun together. K and I actually had a couple of good conversations together also, which surprised me. Most of the time we both stay away from each other when I am around....understandably so....but there some positive moments there. Don't get me wrong, I know I am not even close to being out of the woods, but that did give me a boost to stay focused and not lose any momentum that I have started on my road to recovery,

There were also moments of being reminded of what is going on with Q, but then I quickly slap myself and say..."you can't control K and what she is going to do"...so then I try and quickly re-focus on the kids or driving, I have to constantly remind myself of looking forward and doing this for me....and being a great father is one of the many things I want to be remembered as.




     

Perfect Storm

In my quest to improve myself and trying to move forward, I need to understand what drove me to lie and lose so much money for so long.

I was starting to explore this in my recent therapy session and I am starting to realize that I was guided by a path of perfectionism. This was instituted in me at an early age from my family and developed in a way that I was going to be on my own to succeed. I was driving my decisions on a path to a "perfect" life with no struggles and no problems and assumed that is what K wanted. I always avoided conflict and even accepting any truths to any problems in my life and that of my family's. I was thinking that this was protecting my family from any pain but all I did was to create a volcano of pain that eventually erupted due to my dishonesty.

With this strive for perfection and the underlying addiction/disease that I have, the last few years created a very stressful environment for me..a perfect storm. I was committed to providing for my family and going through plans that we had for a major addition to our home. Since we have been talking about doing this project for years, we have saved a ton of money for the project. And that is how it all started.

Since I have have access to all of this money, I tried to create a little bit more cushion for us if any surprises come up during construction. So I tried to make money through stock market investments. One loss turned into another....and next thing I knew I was chasing trying to get back to break-even. The progressive nature of the disease was at full throttle and the large invoices continue to pile in from the general contractor...The losses got larger over time because I was chasing a larger loss and losing time in the process since the project was progressing....That is all I could think about during the last two years, managing these large checks out with hoping to go on a winning streak and getting back to break-even as the balance in the account was shrinking fast.

I never got close, and then I find myself to a breaking point where the project was wrapping up and I depleted every aspect of our net worth to zero....making decisions that caused more financial pain in the long run....I was not thinking clearly during those years and see how this addiction is a mental disease.

I sit back and say to myself, I know I am not that man....We worked so hard to get us to the point to start the addition of the house....made all the right moves with our money, and then the perfect storm hit me:

#1. gambling addiction that I have had my whole life
#2. my perfectionism to not be able to talk about anything wrong with our lives
#3. house project that I had me start with access to a large set of $'s

I know this doesn't explain all of it and I am in the early stages of really being honest with myself about all of this...but this is what is going through my head right now...

If you are interested in another resource, here is a great article that I cam across on How Perfectionism destroys Happiness..

     

Yin and Yang of a day

So not too bad of a day yesterday....there were some good things that happened and there were some bad things that happened, but overall I would rate it as an okay day.

First, let me talk about the bad things so that I can end on a positive note....thinking about Operation Mental Reset...I was reminded again today that K and Q are still very much together which I have come to accept over the last few weeks, but what makes it a bad thing is that he was in the house with my youngest child there. You see, I have a hard time with the fact that there is another man in the house with one or all of my kids. He is a little over 2 years old and doesn't fully talk yet but can communicate very well as he tells you what he wants all the time. And the fact that Q is in the house during multiple times so early into this separation process, I think it is confusing my youngest child.

So how do I know: There is an Amazon Echo in the house, and not sure if all owners are aware, but the recordings are stored within the device. I am able to access the recording remotely and came across an unintended recording with the Echo picking up about 3-5 seconds of something Q was saying to K. Again, I think K doesn't think I am this diligent, but when I realized there was something going on with Q, I started to think that I need to protect my kids whatever path my relationship with K goes down. If she ever did come across this blog, she also will be very angry at me as she will consider this an invasion of her privacy but I am doing this to protect my kids....and I know for a fact that she would be doing the same thing if the shoe was on the other foot....as I have witnessed obsessive behaviors from her....I tried not to think about that recording throughout the day, but I do hate these reminders of our situation.

So now onto the positives parts of the day.

First, I was able to get 2 more hours of free therapy from the therapist that I have been talking to. About a week or so ago, I needed to stop going because of affordability but my therapist was able to get some free time...and I am very much appreciative of it....I was able to talk to her for 30 mins yesterday and it helped me focus on moving forward with my life and what I can control.

Secondly, I came into some unexpected money. My boss called me and told me that I got a raise due to inequity in the marketplace at my level....A much needed surprise and it came at the right time. Unfortunately, based on how the limited the conversations have been going with K, didn't share the news with her...I am sure I will tell her sometime but with that fact that I have been replaced so quickly by Q in her life....didn't feel like sharing that with her.

Subscribe to my Feed

Humility

I will say, working the second job as an Uber/Lyft driver is teaching me some humility. I knew it would be only a matter of time when I picked up a rider that I knew, and that is exactly what happened the other night. I do try and stay away from the town I live in, but you can't control where the series of ride requests will take you, as I have learned the hard way a few weeks ago.

So I ended up getting a ping in the town next to mine at a bar location, one that I knew was there but never been in....so I was assuming a small local bar. And then when I pull up, I noticed that the guy was one of my kids friends father, we don't know each other that well, probably met a handful of times of a few parties and sports events.

Good thing it was late in the evening and he was traveling with a buddy of his, but as he tried to talk to me...I was doing my best to keep my comments short and change the tone of my voice a bit...You see, I am not ashamed of what I am doing as a Uber/Lyft driver....I just don't need the rumors starting up in my town across all the families and impact my kids in anyway at school...and that is exactly the kind of town I live in....everyone is in your business all the time...

Probably added to how I got here, there is some aspect of me striving for perfection and trying to keep up with the "Joneses"

I do think occasionally, what if I got a ride request from Q....how would I handle it? Not sure, try not to think about the negatives as much anymore, but those thoughts do pop up in my head every now and then.

Payback tracker: Light week on rideshare earnings with the kids 1st day back and hanging with them this weekend. Net of Gas and tolls, made about $400

Also made $125 in credit card cash back .

 

K thinks I am an Idiot

One hard thing about trying to move forward with K is the fact that she is not being honest with me about this relationship with Q....as I came across another situation this weekend where I was reminded of that.

As I mentioned before, Q lives in our town and some of the kids ages overlap, which increases the likelihood of running int him around town events. This weekend, it was the opening home game of the high school football team and I decided on a whim to take the kids there....as they are really starting to get into football...it is also a cheap fun event to do with kids and that helps in my current situation. When I told K that I was going to take the kids to the game, she started to act strange and a bit off....normally she would have been all over this, not that she sees us together right now but we are trying to act more civil when we are around the kids...Then I remembered, one of Q's kids just started to play on the football team and that means, Q would be at the game also...

So then I made sure we made the game. As we were getting to the field, K was acting more and more uncomfortable, guessing that she is worried right now we are going to cross paths at the game....as she is constantly jumping on her phone to text someone as we get closer to the game, and also checking the phone throughout the game.

So we got to the start of the 2nd half and that is when I saw him...He was starting to walk towards us and then he either saw me or K and he stopped dead in his tracks and watched the game from there. There were points of time I could have sworn he seen me looking at him but then he turned away. Funny enough, another one of his kids was actually right next to me and my kids as K was sitting on the stands right behind us....I am not sure what she was thinking but guessing some of it was she can't believe how close her two worlds are starting to collide.

We actually had to leave a bit before the end of the game and K did her best to try and give us an escape route to stay away fro Q as we exit but one of my kids decided to run up near the part of the fence that he was standing. I decided to go follow my child and was a good 10 feet away from Q at this time...I didn't do anything but turned around and walked out...here was another moment that K probably was sweating bullets.

I wasn't sure what I would have done or say if Q said something to me...there were times when I was going to say something to K or Q during the game, but decided against...my kids were there and I need to focus on them.

I realize it is over with K...started to a few weeks ago but now the dishonesty is starting to impact how we are together around the kids...I know I am the last person to talk about honesty and what I have done, but I am trying to be a better person and move forward from my wrongdoings.

Building a new life vs trying to recreate the one that I lost

I went to the normal weekly GA meeting last night and through the therapy time that I had within the room, there was a key insight that I need to remember because I think this will help me continue to look forward.

In my discussion, I shared how this disease and addiction has ruined my life and the life of my family. I went on to say that I would do anything to have that life back, the fun times that I had with my wife and kids when I was not gambling or worried about the money...but then a comment was shared from someone and it went like this:

 "why would you want that life back, it couldn't haven been that great, you were gambling. You need to remember the bad times of the past as well and how that hurt your family by being absent and/or depressed. You need to remember both sides of that life so that you can look forward and build a new life of the positive experiences."

I know it may seem obvious, but it made me think...he is right...why would I want to try and take things back to the way they were...I need to do much better and rid myself of the character defects that have caused me to get to this position. I also remind myself that I can't control the lives of anyone else but my own. I need to stop worrying about what K is doing and continue to work on myself.

I know some of these things have been said before but this recovery is an evolution and I am hoping that the last few weeks were the worst part of it, the pain felt like it was never going to end.


Subscribe to my feed 

1st day of school

All in all, it was a good day yesterday...it was the first day of school for two of my kids and I was able to be there for most of the day. I think they enjoyed my presence and it went a long way in my recovery efforts. I want to make sure K knows that I am not going to walk away from my family that easily and that I plan on being there as much as possible...as noted in a previous post...I am not going to let myself get pushed to the background as a father and I am the only one that owns making sure that doesn't happen.

It was a good day that we all went out for pizza at the end of night, including K...which surprised me so much....when she said yes to my request, I was happy to see us being civil to each other vs her always avoiding me and not talking to me when I am around....but then my thoughts started to creep in...you see, K was acting especially upbeat during the afternoon after the kids got home from school and I started thinking that if she ended up seeing Q during the day while 2 of the 3 kids were in school and the third still isn't talking...Being married to her for 14 years, I noticed these change of behaviors in recent months and it always corresponded to hanging out with Q...

Maybe or maybe not, I really am trying not to think that way and have me obsess with something I can't control...so I did my best not to think that way at dinner and enjoyed a few slices with the kids.

All in all, a good day....and I needed one based on how I have been feeling the last few weeks. Still not out of the woods yet, not even close...but need to focus on one day at a time.

This anger is directed towards me not you K

So the holiday weekend has passed and it was okay. I did end up seeing my kids for some time, wish it was more but I will take anything I can get right now. I ended up driving a lot this week which is helpful on a couple of fronts: making more money and trying to get my mind of things.

There were some good trips during the week. As I have met folks that I was able to talk to what I am going through and almost used the ride as my therapy session. In particular, there was one couple who I picked up from a local concert and they were both divorced with kids. They helped me understand this is a long road and if I need to show K how committed I am to showing her that I am the person that she thought I was before the confession, but that I am dealing with the addiction and depression at this point. I need to show her over time, through my actions, that although I am at the lowest point in my life, I am committed to becoming stronger everyday...showing her that I am not going to let her or the kids be alone if that is not what she wants. So I really do want to thank that couple for spending the time with me, I will remember their advice...and also the really good tip as well.

But the as the weekend continued to pass, I found myself getting more and more mad at K because of the lack of honesty at this point. And now, it is starting to impact my time with the kids....and that is really starting to get to me. Being able to see the kids only 1-2 days a week is tough. And now that the school and sports schedules are going to start back up, I have a feeling the kid coordination is going to get tricky. I feel like I am being pushed out of my kids lives slowly and slowly, and that is what is getting me angry. I have already come to grips that I lost K for good, trying to hold onto any signs of helpfully having a friendship relationship with her in the future, but the lack of honesty and communication with me and the impact it has on my relationship with my kids is what is going on in my head these last few days.

I try not to get mad at K directly because I am aware I brought this on to myself, I actually am mad at myself and since I have no one to talk to, the little time I talk to her in passing at the end of the night I end up saying too much to her...and recently my frustrations have started to show up in those conversations.

I also found myself now exploring lawyers, I never thought I would end up doing this but feeling like I am getting pushed out of my kids lives, the concern I have that Q lives in the same town and has been at the house with them at multiple times, and the toll driving 8 hours a day as a second job has led me to think that I need to be ready to protect my kids. They are the only ones that are helping me hold it together right now.

Tracker Update:
Uber and Lyft earnings after gas expense was $900




Subscribe to my feed 

Guilt, Sorrow, and Pain

Another day of pure agony and reflection on how I screwed up so much...I keep going back and forth on how to deal with the latest happenings with K. We ended up talking a little bit yesterday because I had to ask her if she was going to be honest with me about Q, but K says that they are only friends and she is not looking to get into any relationships at this time while we are separated.

I remind myself that this isn't about me and I have to stay focused on fixing myself and being there for my kids...and these thoughts do help for a short moment when I realize Q is around my kids a lot more than he should be...I don't care if the kids are sleeping and Q is not being seen...what happens if one of the older kids wakes up and goes to find his mom? I guess Q would hide somewhere....but this is the part of my thoughts that gets me so angry and thinks about taking the advice from my therapist and getting a lawyer.

I did tell K today that Q cannot be in the house when the kids are there...I did not tell her that I know pretty much everything, I just said that her "friend" can't be around.

I am trying to look past the other night but it is really hard, I know K is going to do what she wants but knowing that I am responsible for putting this whole train in motion really sucks. The amount of guilt, sorrow, and pain that I carry around with me each day has not be reduced and now that it has been a month since the confession, it feels like it will never end.

And the kicker in all this, I need to stop seeing my therapist because of affordability....I was one that never wanted to go and see a therapist, but these last 6 sessions have helped me so much, now I am getting worried about how to handle this on my own.

Worst Night of my Life, The Sequel

I don't know what it is about me but I can't get comfortable or accept the fact that K doesn't want me as her husband anymore. Also, just recently, I posted about making sure the mental part of this disease and depression doesn't  get the better of me by telling myself this thing between K and Q, is K's way of figuring stuff out after the bomb I dropped on her....but tonight that wasn't good enough for me not to sink into the dark thoughts of my brain.

So, just like the first post of the worst night of my life, tonight was almost a duplicate copy but with a little more hurt thrown in. You see, just like before, I ended up about 20 miles from my house tonight at a GA meeting. I like this particular meeting because I can relate and connect well with folks in this particular room. Meeting got done right before 10 pm and as I couldn't resist, headed towards my house to see if a particular car was in the vicinity. Getting there a bit before 10:30, I was relieved not to see Q's car...so I took a few more fares.

Now it is 11:45 pm and I end up driving past my house again, this time Q's car was parked closer to my house than the night before....and I couldn't believe it....my first thought was how many times has this happened before since the two nights I decide to drive by, he is there. And now all three of my kids are in the house...after those initial thoughts, I needed to get better proof than the previous night, so I decided to quickly change into a dark t-shirt that I had packed for the weekend and switched to my sneakers. I decided to walk around the back of my house and sit behind my garage, a location that gave me a good view of the living room and steps leading to the 2nd floor.

Sitting there in the dark shadows of the night, I didn't notice any movement for about 15 minutes and started to think if I was mistaken? But sure enough, my youngest son woke up and started to cry forcing K to go upstairs and soothe him back to sleep...right behind K followed Q...at this point, I went back into the thoughts of me confronting them in my house....I was so irrate and angry because all three of my kids were upstairs sleeping in their rooms and it seemed like Q had no problem just strolling up the steps.

After K was able to get my youngest back to sleep, the countdown was on in my head....saying to myself how long will they be upstairs for tonight...there was no way that Q was going to stay as long as the first time because my two oldest sons would've have been so confused on why he was there in the morning, so I knew it couldn't be past 5am on this particular night.

So as I sit there counting down the minutes in my short sleeve dark t-shirt, the temperature starts to drop and I am starting to get cold. Doing my best to keep myself warm, I was mentally committed to see the proof that a relationship does exist between K and Q, one in which she constantly denies....Minute by minute passes and I am doing my best to not let the cold weather and late hour impact my focus. And then they both come downstairs to check the time on the computer, which said around 3:30am. The 10 minutes that followed seemed like an eternity for me because I was witnessing another man hugging, caressing, and kissing K. She in turn was also kissing and caressing him also and I was hoping it stopped there because I don't know how much more I could watch...so much pain and I feel like I am 100% responsible for this....I was probably at the lowest level of my life....and right now I am looking for anything to save me. I feel horrible and I don't have anyone in my life that I can talk to.

I am trying to say to myself this isn't about me, but can't shake the image of them kissing out of my head. I also am thinking that I tell everyone that K is still my wife, and maybe that is the problem also...I have not been able to move on, but I don't think K has either..or maybe that was the last string of hope I was so desperately hanging on to...I have no idea how I am going to get through this...need to stop blogging as I am on a downward spiral right now, going to try and not focus on it by picking up some Uber and Lyft fares at 5 am

I just need to get through this day

Subscribe to my feed