So yesterday was a whirlwind of a day for me...I had quite a few times to sit and really reflect about the destruction I have caused and that is what made it tough for me:
- First, I had a long car trip by myself back from a business trip that gave me a solid 3 hours to talk to myself in the car in the early morning commute.
- From there, I went to my weekly therapist conversation where the line that stick with me is "You did a bad thing, but you are not a bad person"...I immediately responded and said, "No, I am a bad person and I need to be seen as a bad person for a very long time for what I have done"...it has only been a week and I am not going to think this is going to solve itself that fast or trick myself that I want to get off the hook that fast...And always a good reminder of when we end the meeting as she asks me if I am thinking about harming myself...I have done so much harm now, that will only make things worst for everyone else but me...and I am trying to flip that equation to improve everyone else's lives but me at this moment...
- Then, I had an appointment to see where I will be living at for most of the week by myself, away from my family from the majority of the time...It just struck me hard knowing that I need to move towards this step, again, I own this entire thing and not trying to run away from it....just hit me hard
- On top of that, I was notified of a very large debt that I owe due to this mental disease and addiction. I always knew this debt was out there, just didn't know the exact number...Well, I got the exact number and that caused my stomach to drop straight to the floor...
- Lastly, I did attend my second GA meeting. I don't see this as a bad thing...just like the therapy sessions I attend...just another opportunity for serious reflection and honesty to myself...What an emotional roller coaster of a day, and this was just from my perspective...I couldn't help to think what my wife was continuing to go through herself.
- Payback Tracker update: I was able to finally get going with Lyft yesterday as my first night as a driver....for about 4 hours, I was able to bring in around $100. I also did sell something on EBAY for $14. I know it might not seem like much, but this is my commitment...and writing this blog, keeping track of the financial debts firsts then the emotional impacts, and fixing myself is my new mission..
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