Guilt, Sorrow, and Pain

Another day of pure agony and reflection on how I screwed up so much...I keep going back and forth on how to deal with the latest happenings with K. We ended up talking a little bit yesterday because I had to ask her if she was going to be honest with me about Q, but K says that they are only friends and she is not looking to get into any relationships at this time while we are separated.

I remind myself that this isn't about me and I have to stay focused on fixing myself and being there for my kids...and these thoughts do help for a short moment when I realize Q is around my kids a lot more than he should be...I don't care if the kids are sleeping and Q is not being seen...what happens if one of the older kids wakes up and goes to find his mom? I guess Q would hide somewhere....but this is the part of my thoughts that gets me so angry and thinks about taking the advice from my therapist and getting a lawyer.

I did tell K today that Q cannot be in the house when the kids are there...I did not tell her that I know pretty much everything, I just said that her "friend" can't be around.

I am trying to look past the other night but it is really hard, I know K is going to do what she wants but knowing that I am responsible for putting this whole train in motion really sucks. The amount of guilt, sorrow, and pain that I carry around with me each day has not be reduced and now that it has been a month since the confession, it feels like it will never end.

And the kicker in all this, I need to stop seeing my therapist because of affordability....I was one that never wanted to go and see a therapist, but these last 6 sessions have helped me so much, now I am getting worried about how to handle this on my own.

Worst Night of my Life, The Sequel

I don't know what it is about me but I can't get comfortable or accept the fact that K doesn't want me as her husband anymore. Also, just recently, I posted about making sure the mental part of this disease and depression doesn't  get the better of me by telling myself this thing between K and Q, is K's way of figuring stuff out after the bomb I dropped on her....but tonight that wasn't good enough for me not to sink into the dark thoughts of my brain.

So, just like the first post of the worst night of my life, tonight was almost a duplicate copy but with a little more hurt thrown in. You see, just like before, I ended up about 20 miles from my house tonight at a GA meeting. I like this particular meeting because I can relate and connect well with folks in this particular room. Meeting got done right before 10 pm and as I couldn't resist, headed towards my house to see if a particular car was in the vicinity. Getting there a bit before 10:30, I was relieved not to see Q's car...so I took a few more fares.

Now it is 11:45 pm and I end up driving past my house again, this time Q's car was parked closer to my house than the night before....and I couldn't believe it....my first thought was how many times has this happened before since the two nights I decide to drive by, he is there. And now all three of my kids are in the house...after those initial thoughts, I needed to get better proof than the previous night, so I decided to quickly change into a dark t-shirt that I had packed for the weekend and switched to my sneakers. I decided to walk around the back of my house and sit behind my garage, a location that gave me a good view of the living room and steps leading to the 2nd floor.

Sitting there in the dark shadows of the night, I didn't notice any movement for about 15 minutes and started to think if I was mistaken? But sure enough, my youngest son woke up and started to cry forcing K to go upstairs and soothe him back to sleep...right behind K followed Q...at this point, I went back into the thoughts of me confronting them in my house....I was so irrate and angry because all three of my kids were upstairs sleeping in their rooms and it seemed like Q had no problem just strolling up the steps.

After K was able to get my youngest back to sleep, the countdown was on in my head....saying to myself how long will they be upstairs for tonight...there was no way that Q was going to stay as long as the first time because my two oldest sons would've have been so confused on why he was there in the morning, so I knew it couldn't be past 5am on this particular night.

So as I sit there counting down the minutes in my short sleeve dark t-shirt, the temperature starts to drop and I am starting to get cold. Doing my best to keep myself warm, I was mentally committed to see the proof that a relationship does exist between K and Q, one in which she constantly denies....Minute by minute passes and I am doing my best to not let the cold weather and late hour impact my focus. And then they both come downstairs to check the time on the computer, which said around 3:30am. The 10 minutes that followed seemed like an eternity for me because I was witnessing another man hugging, caressing, and kissing K. She in turn was also kissing and caressing him also and I was hoping it stopped there because I don't know how much more I could watch...so much pain and I feel like I am 100% responsible for this....I was probably at the lowest level of my life....and right now I am looking for anything to save me. I feel horrible and I don't have anyone in my life that I can talk to.

I am trying to say to myself this isn't about me, but can't shake the image of them kissing out of my head. I also am thinking that I tell everyone that K is still my wife, and maybe that is the problem also...I have not been able to move on, but I don't think K has either..or maybe that was the last string of hope I was so desperately hanging on to...I have no idea how I am going to get through this...need to stop blogging as I am on a downward spiral right now, going to try and not focus on it by picking up some Uber and Lyft fares at 5 am

I just need to get through this day

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Stop thinking this is about me

Throughout the day today, I realized I was thinking about this thing with Q the same way I have been thinking about everything in the past, meaning K is doing this to hurt me...but I realized I can't think like that anymore...

This isn't about me.

This is about K trying to figure out which way to go with her life after I dropped that bomb on her. I now she is going through this mentally as well, and this thing with Q might help stabilize her for a little bit..but I am worried it is just adding more stress onto her already stressed out situation.

So when I starting thinking that Q thing is all about me, I need to slap myself out of it and ask the question what can I do help K through this, even though she doesn't believe a word I say or trust anything that I do right now.

It is going to be hard...because living with the fact that I drove her to this mental state is the damage that I will never be able to repay and I also can't share with her that I feel this way about the situation with Q...I have to give her the space to figure this out.

Perhaps one of the worst nights of my life Part 2

So my therapist called me back this morning and basically said: do not confront K and/or Q…K is deciding what kind of life she wants and you can't do anything but learn to accept it...mainly the therapist said, stop focusing on what K is doing and start fixing you. Stick to the plan you laid out and take it one day at a time…My therapist also said to get a lawyer...

I have been thinking about last night all day and right now I am going to try and find the self restraint not to bring it up to K...I am sure she will find out eventually when I tell her about this blog. The pain has been there all day and it comes it many ways. 

Knowing I had suspicions of this before and could predict it, most would say why are you surprised. I  am not surprised but it still hurts when reality sinks in that I will not be married to K...even through all this I really do love her and now I am starting to worry that I am losing my best friend.

But what it starting to really sink in and be very painful is the fact that my youngest son today woke up to see another man in his house that is not his father. This was one of the things I feared most is being replaced as a father...and to have this feeling 3 weeks in is really hard to deal with...I enter such dark places with my thoughts as I wait between Uber/Lyft fares

I am not going to get a lawyer yet, not ready to make such a definitive step with K...I need to focus on making as much money as possible to move closer to my kids as fast as possible...and this is where the old ideas of my gambling problem start to get in my head....need to make money in a different way and not lose the little positive traction over these last 3 weeks.

Does anyone have any good ideas? I am going to start running out of stuff to sell on EBay and being an Uber/ Lyft driver as a full time second job is crushing me even though it is good money...need help with ideas please...

Perhaps one of the worst nights of my life Part 1

Here is how the night started, after a somewhat positive meeting with my therapist, I decided to hit the road early to make a few extra bucks with Lyft. The problem as a driver is that you don't know where the destination is until after you pickup the passenger, and that back-fired against me a few night on my last fare....turning out to be an hour in the opposite direction of where I was sleeping. But last night was different, my first fare sent me almost 15 minutes away from where my house was...now keep in mind, I spend Mon-Fri morning in an apartment about 90 miles away from my house, roughly an 1 1/2 commute....(taking that job 1 year ago definitely was part of the recipe of my downfall...but more on that later)

So with a very big fare and tip right out of the gate, I was pretty optimistic of the night, I actually ate a decent meal for dinner which is out of the ordinary as I am trying to save as much money as possible. And then I picked up some more fares after the sandwich...All is well until one of my very last fares put me right down the street from my house. This is the house that I have been kicked out of during the week and I sleep in the attic during the weekend to spend time with the kids.

Let's say it is around 11:15 p.m. and I end up driving by my house....to see someone walking into the back door. I could somewhat make out the figure and then realize I might know who it is...This is the person I had suspicions something more than a friendship was going with K (separated wife). I talked about him in a previous post and also another ingredient to the recipe for my downfall.(maybe more on that later). Let's call him Q because I hate that letter and want to protect identities. So to make sure it was Q, I needed confirmation because I didn't see his face due to the night....so I went looking for his car...low and behold, his car was parked down the street about 300 feet away...now to ensure it was him, I noticed the specific trade decal on his window...no doubt about it...Q was in my house with K at 11:15pm when K was thinking I was 90 miles away.

I am sure K did a good job planning this night out because she was able to have my two oldest children with their grandparents, keeping the baby with her ( since he can't talk yet, he wouldn't be spilling any beans to dad)

So now what do I do, my head was going crazy...I was freaking out not sure if I should confront both of them, wait until Q left and confront K, or do nothing since K made it very clear we are separated ( but as you can see, I have a hard time accepting that). And I know I did a ton of shitty things to her during our marriage but I still love her and I am hanging onto any hope...what very little that is left. So to get sound advice with no one else to call, I texted my therapist at midnight to see if she was available for a quick call....I know I might be a little bit mentally crazy right now but this is what the disease has done to me....no answer back from my therapist....so I decided to wait to see how long he would be there.

So my initial guess was that they would be having a few drink and he leaves around 2 or 3.. we'll, 3, turned to 4,5,6am and now the sun was coming out and I was worried that my neighbors might recognize me sitting in my car parked on the street away from my house...I was also shocked that Q was there so late to risk being seen by neighbors in the morning...so I decided to leave and try and clear my head

Looking to get away, I took some early fares and grabbed coffee...I swung by the house quickly only to see his car still there at 10am...wow, talk about moving in only 3 weeks after I confess..I deserve every bit of this but I will tell you the hardest part and most pain was sitting there and not doing anything...I can't e plain to you how much that hurt and I keep thinking this is what you get...and if this makes her happy than you can't do anything, it is her life to decide... it it is pure pain and I am not sure how long it will take to go away.

The question that I keep asking myself is as I have had suspicions about Q a few times and she said there was nothing there:

Why won't she be honest with me right now, there is nothing for her to lose after I have confessed on what I did and how much of an a**hole I am?

There are only 3 reasons that I can think of why she is holding back:

#1. She is afraid to hurt me and bring more pain to me right now. (Highly Unlikely)since I don't think it can get much worse....if I am not at rock bottom right now, I feel like I am being dragged across the ocean floor

#2. She is afraid that she might lose custody of the kids if she admitted to anything that happened before the separation. (Maybe) Based on what I have done, I am in no position to be seen as a positive role model right now. I am working my butt off to get better and show my family through my actions, but that takes time

#3. She is afraid to admit that she might have played a slightly bigger role in this whole thing. She states that she had very little part because of her past behavior enabled my gambling addiction and some of her direct comments were 99% responsible for this, but if this whole Q thing was something before my confession, she might feel like she is more than 1% responsible...either way, I don't care and I acknowledge that and take responsibility for destroying my marriage and life of my family members at 100% as stated in an early post. (Highly unlikely)

Or

I am officially crazy and all of these previous dots that I have connected weren't anything and she developed this relationship with Q over the last 3 weeks, everything else was a friendship/crush thing that she took no action on...(Unlikely) I know I am in a crazy mental state at the moment but I am not that naive.

So I have no idea where to go from here and only have my therapist that I can talk to....will fill you in on what happens

Dark Places

Lately,  I find myself going into a dark place with my thoughts as I sit in the car waiting for my next fare as a Lyft driver. I think of how bad I screwed this up and how much emotional damage I have done to my wife, as she reminds me that we are separated which I understand.

I also have to remind myself of how bad I screwed this up that within the last 18 days since my last bet, I have been asked by my wife, mother, and therapist that if  I have any thoughts of harming myself... Wow, if that isn't a reality check of needing to be honest myself and get help, I truly don't deserve anyone in my life

I am so committed to getting better for myself and my kids. I need to make sure I am there for them in the future because I know how bad it sucks to try and figure life out without a father, as my father passed away when I was young. I am also committed to getting better for my wife but I have to start to accept the fact that I have lost her and she will never take me back...this is something that I am not accepting easy but I have to be fair to her and her life.

Tracker update: 

- Made $489 from the ride share companies last week

- Sold $530 of my stuff on EBay and Craigslist

I also was able to make another GA meeting this past week

I really screwed this up

For the last 24 hours the mental part of this disease is winning...and it isn't even related to me wanting to make another bet, it is around the controlling and paranoia part of me and the mental state that this disease puts me in. I also think working around the clock as a Lyft driver isn't helping me get much rest, as I ended up sleeping in my car on Thursday night trying to make as much money as I can with the second job.

So why do I say that, I realized that it has been about two weeks since I confessed to my wife about how much money that I lost and how much of a liar I had been over the years, that now I am thinking there is another guy waiting in the wings for her. There have been two things that happened in the last 24 hours that are giving me these gut feelings that she is hanging out with him tonight.

I can't say that I am surprised because I did push her to this point over the last few years by abandoning her, but it does hurt to know that any possible slim chance of hope that I had in trying to save my marriage is so quickly evaporating...I am really trying but I also know how much I hurt her.

If she ever reads this blog, I want her to know that I am truly sorry for what I have done and want her to find happiness, even knowing that might not be with me. 

I really screwed this up..

Entering the depths of loneliness

As the days pass by, I find myself going deeper and deeper into a dark state of loneliness...is it because I am not around my family as much, is it because I spend at least 6 hours in the car with my second job as a Lyft driver, or is it because I keep reminding myself of the good life that I had and how I mindlessly through it away...I think it is all three and more and trying to stay positive, but it is hard.

I need to get myself to another GA meeting and I know 1 meeting a week isn't the best path to recovery but I am trying to make as much money as possible to make a dent in the financial debts that I created... my best source of a second income is being a Lyft and Uber driver... and although. The flexibility is great for my situation, the town that I am in is a slow market..my goal was to make $100 a day after expenses and I barely got to $40 on a Tuesday night with the added risk of putting all of these strangers in your car. I will say most passengers are nice and friendly but I do believe that one of my fares last night involved an illegal transaction....not totally sure, but heading into some sketchy parts of town makes me think again of how I got myself into this mess...

I am so sorry for all the harm that I have done to my family and I am really working to fix myself and then maybe one day I can be a better and happy person...One Day at a Time

If I wasn't already at Rock Bottom, I am pretty close....

So yesterday was a whirlwind of a day for me...I had quite a few times to sit and really reflect about the destruction I have caused and that is what made it tough for me:

- First, I had a long car trip by myself back from a business trip that gave me a solid 3 hours to talk to myself in the car in the early morning commute.

- From there, I went to my weekly therapist conversation where the line that stick with me is "You did a bad thing, but you are not a bad person"...I immediately responded and said, "No, I am a bad person and I need to be seen as a bad person for a very long time for what I have done"...it has only been a week and I am not going to think this is going to solve itself that fast or trick myself that I want to get off the hook that fast...And always a good reminder of when we end the meeting as she asks me if I am thinking about harming myself...I have done so much harm now, that will only make things worst for everyone else but me...and I am trying to flip that equation to improve everyone else's lives but me at this moment...

- Then, I had an appointment to see where I will be living at for most of the week by myself, away from my family from the majority of the time...It just struck me hard knowing that I need to move towards this step, again, I own this entire thing and not trying to run away from it....just hit me hard

- On top of that, I was notified of a very large debt that I owe due to this mental disease and addiction. I always knew this debt was out there, just didn't know the exact number...Well, I got the exact number and that caused my stomach to drop straight to the floor...

- Lastly, I did attend my second GA meeting. I don't see this as a bad thing...just like the therapy sessions I attend...just another opportunity for serious reflection and honesty to myself...What an emotional roller coaster of a day, and this was just from my perspective...I couldn't help to think what my wife was continuing to go through herself.

- Payback Tracker update: I was able to finally get going with Lyft yesterday as my first night as a driver....for about 4 hours, I was able to bring in around $100. I also did sell something on EBAY for $14. I know it might not seem like much, but this is my commitment...and writing this blog, keeping track of the financial debts firsts then the emotional impacts, and fixing myself is my new mission..

Reality Bites

So today was a hard day...Seeing how hard this is going to impact my kids and I need to do everything I can to make sure they know that I will also be there for them. Still in early days of when I broke the news to my wife of how much debt I put us in....and the kids were planning to head to see the grandparents for a few days, but my middle child had a real hard time with me not coming. I have been on many business trips before and had to stay overnight for a few days, but today felt different...saying buy to him, he was acting like he was never going to see me again...and it hurt to see how just the beginning of this is starting to impact them.

I keep asking myself what have I done and how did I get here.. Today was a reminder of no matter how this ends up with my wife, I will always be there for my kids...It might take me awhile to stop working multiple jobs to get us out of this debt....but I will not let them figure life out without their father.