Seperated vs Hope

Just a quick post for today as I have been thinking about this during my moonlighting gig as a ride share driver with Lyft and Uber...Now that my wife has been telling her family and some close friends that we are separated, I can't come to accept not wearing my wedding band everyday...even when I talk to my family and limited friends, I am not open about it....

Maybe I am still holding on for the last slight chance things might change in the future, hence one of the goals that I have to stay focused on with this blog... but am I not being honest with myself and need to change...as this is one of the initial steps with GA...

Not sure what to do, will definitely talk to my therapist and GA support group about this..

Hope is dwindling

So it has been a few days since I posted because so much happened at the end of last week, it took me awhile to give my brain a break. I can't say it has been getting any better, my wife is now telling her family and close friends that we are separated....so any strays of hope that I had to avoid the separation part are gone, and I deserve every part of it.

The thing I need to remind myself is that I need to take one day at a time and try and stay positive...easier said than done as my new life is taking hold and it is very depressing. I need to get to a stable schedule and then maybe start looking to some positives in my life, nut right now is try and find the bottom of this wreck I created.

I was able to sell some more stuff on EBay/Craiglist for $150 and will update my tracker. I also need to research a GA meeting around my new location, as I will be away from my kids during the work week....that hurts so much....looking forward to the day that changes.

If I wasn't already at Rock Bottom, I am pretty close....

So yesterday was a whirlwind of a day for me...I had quite a few times to sit and really reflect about the destruction I have caused and that is what made it tough for me:

- First, I had a long car trip by myself back from a business trip that gave me a solid 3 hours to talk to myself in the car in the early morning commute.

- From there, I went to my weekly therapist conversation where the line that stick with me is "You did a bad thing, but you are not a bad person"...I immediately responded and said, "No, I am a bad person and I need to be seen as a bad person for a very long time for what I have done"...it has only been a week and I am not going to think this is going to solve itself that fast or trick myself that I want to get off the hook that fast...And always a good reminder of when we end the meeting as she asks me if I am thinking about harming myself...I have done so much harm now, that will only make things worst for everyone else but me...and I am trying to flip that equation to improve everyone else's lives but me at this moment...

- Then, I had an appointment to see where I will be living at for most of the week by myself, away from my family from the majority of the time...It just struck me hard knowing that I need to move towards this step, again, I own this entire thing and not trying to run away from it....just hit me hard

- On top of that, I was notified of a very large debt that I owe due to this mental disease and addiction. I always knew this debt was out there, just didn't know the exact number...Well, I got the exact number and that caused my stomach to drop straight to the floor...

- Lastly, I did attend my second GA meeting. I don't see this as a bad thing...just like the therapy sessions I attend...just another opportunity for serious reflection and honesty to myself...What an emotional roller coaster of a day, and this was just from my perspective...I couldn't help to think what my wife was continuing to go through herself.

- Payback Tracker update: I was able to finally get going with Lyft yesterday as my first night as a driver....for about 4 hours, I was able to bring in around $100. I also did sell something on EBAY for $14. I know it might not seem like much, but this is my commitment...and writing this blog, keeping track of the financial debts firsts then the emotional impacts, and fixing myself is my new mission..

Today was a lonely day for me

This really sucks, I still can't believe what I did to hurt my loved ones...and I deserve every ounce of this. Today was the first full day that I haven't talked to my wife or kids in a long time....and it sucks and this is not the life I want to live...I need to show my wife over time that I am truly sorry for how much I have hurt her, and then just hoping that the two of us can have a decent relationship for the sake of our kids...I hope she doesn't keep me for seeing my kids (I can understand if she does because of how much of a disease I am)...It has been about one week since I confessed to her about my gambling addiction and how I have lost our life savings, and I don't expect things to be all good overnight. I just have to remind myself to fight the urge to try and win it all back in one or two big swoops, because that is how I got here in the first place.

I also need to find another GA meeting to go to, I need to get some more help and understand the 12 steps to recovery. I am committing to myself that I will go to another meeting in the next day or so as I travel home from a business trip.

The one thing that I will share, an deep memory of mine that might show me the beginnings of my gambling addiction was when I was around 10 years old and it was with my father. I didn't have many memories with my father as he was diagnosed with cancer when I was 6, battled through 10 years or so with the cancer as it metastasized through his body and ended up taking his life when I was 16 years old...but the one memory is when I use to sit on his lap during the annual New Years Eve party that he had with his friends and playing cards. There would be a group of the guys sitting around the table with stacks of cash in front of them playing cards. I was mesmerized at the concept of being able to win so much money (at the time) by having fun with your friends and playing a game of cards...This was one of many experiences that put in motion, with my character flaws, the disease and depression that I am struggling with today. Don't take this as me blaming my father for my illness, but I am very sensitive to make sure I don't create a similar experience for any of my kids.

I truly hope that I find a way to manage my mental disease and get back to enjoying time with my kids and family....I want to make sure my wife knows that I will always love her even though my actions might say a different thing...and that I am going to work so hard to show her that I am serious about trying to get back to normalcy.

One last note regarding the payback tracker, I have become an authorized Lyft driver today and will start working my 2nd job at night to increase the $'s to payback my wife and family...I see that as another good step in the right direction...One day at a Time.

1st GA Meeting

I made another very important step in getting myself well today...I went to my 1st Gambler's Anonymous meeting. I had this on the list to do in short order and was worried that if I didn't take the time to do it tonight, there was a high likelihood I would find a reason to keep delaying going.

How would I describe going to the first meeting: Scary but supportive. 

Scary because I realize the disease I have is going to be with me my entire life and that I have to be aware that I can't get complacent with my recovery. I have met people tonight from 2 months to 42 years attending these meetings...and although the individuals were from all areas of life, the stories were all too familiar and I related to many of the stories by the time was done. One quote that I remember is "All walks of life are struggling with this disease; from those coming from jail to those coming from Yale"

The main takeaway is that I need to stay committed to keep going to the meetings as much as possible to get myself well.

Thank you to all of those that were in the meeting and showed great support for me and what I was going through.

Payback tracker update:
- Still waiting to get approved as a driver for Uber and Lyft
- Was able to get a cash reward back from one of the credit cards for $50.00...so I will update the overall balance from there.

Reality Bites

So today was a hard day...Seeing how hard this is going to impact my kids and I need to do everything I can to make sure they know that I will also be there for them. Still in early days of when I broke the news to my wife of how much debt I put us in....and the kids were planning to head to see the grandparents for a few days, but my middle child had a real hard time with me not coming. I have been on many business trips before and had to stay overnight for a few days, but today felt different...saying buy to him, he was acting like he was never going to see me again...and it hurt to see how just the beginning of this is starting to impact them.

I keep asking myself what have I done and how did I get here.. Today was a reminder of no matter how this ends up with my wife, I will always be there for my kids...It might take me awhile to stop working multiple jobs to get us out of this debt....but I will not let them figure life out without their father.

The first post is the hardest

There is nothing easy about this....I have decided to start writing a blog about my life and how I hit rock bottom....causing so much pain for my family who I will be indebted to forever and in search of hope to seek a better life.

I will do my best to keep my posts connected and not jump around so much with my life experiences but can't promise it due to how the day might go.

So, I must first sit here and give you a little background on me and what does hitting rock bottom really mean for me....I am in my 40's, was married but highly likely on the road to at least a legal seperation, with 3 children. I am seen as somewhat successful in my career but on the inside, I have a gambling addiction disease and depression. My gambling addiction has caused me to lose all of our life savings into the stock market, hiding the losses from my wife and causing me to break up my family.

It had been about 3 days or so since I admitted to my wife and these have been the darkest days of my life....and trust me, I have had some pretty bad days in my childhood (I am sure I will touch upon that at some time in future posts)

I am also writing this blog to provide me as a constant reminder of the pain that I have caused my family, to tell them in so many ways that I am truly sorry for being so sick...and that one day, I hope they can forgive me....For all I want right now is their happiness.