So, just like the first post of the worst night of my life, tonight was almost a duplicate copy but with a little more hurt thrown in. You see, just like before, I ended up about 20 miles from my house tonight at a GA meeting. I like this particular meeting because I can relate and connect well with folks in this particular room. Meeting got done right before 10 pm and as I couldn't resist, headed towards my house to see if a particular car was in the vicinity. Getting there a bit before 10:30, I was relieved not to see Q's car...so I took a few more fares.
Now it is 11:45 pm and I end up driving past my house again, this time Q's car was parked closer to my house than the night before....and I couldn't believe it....my first thought was how many times has this happened before since the two nights I decide to drive by, he is there. And now all three of my kids are in the house...after those initial thoughts, I needed to get better proof than the previous night, so I decided to quickly change into a dark t-shirt that I had packed for the weekend and switched to my sneakers. I decided to walk around the back of my house and sit behind my garage, a location that gave me a good view of the living room and steps leading to the 2nd floor.
Sitting there in the dark shadows of the night, I didn't notice any movement for about 15 minutes and started to think if I was mistaken? But sure enough, my youngest son woke up and started to cry forcing K to go upstairs and soothe him back to sleep...right behind K followed Q...at this point, I went back into the thoughts of me confronting them in my house....I was so irrate and angry because all three of my kids were upstairs sleeping in their rooms and it seemed like Q had no problem just strolling up the steps.
After K was able to get my youngest back to sleep, the countdown was on in my head....saying to myself how long will they be upstairs for tonight...there was no way that Q was going to stay as long as the first time because my two oldest sons would've have been so confused on why he was there in the morning, so I knew it couldn't be past 5am on this particular night.
So as I sit there counting down the minutes in my short sleeve dark t-shirt, the temperature starts to drop and I am starting to get cold. Doing my best to keep myself warm, I was mentally committed to see the proof that a relationship does exist between K and Q, one in which she constantly denies....Minute by minute passes and I am doing my best to not let the cold weather and late hour impact my focus. And then they both come downstairs to check the time on the computer, which said around 3:30am. The 10 minutes that followed seemed like an eternity for me because I was witnessing another man hugging, caressing, and kissing K. She in turn was also kissing and caressing him also and I was hoping it stopped there because I don't know how much more I could watch...so much pain and I feel like I am 100% responsible for this....I was probably at the lowest level of my life....and right now I am looking for anything to save me. I feel horrible and I don't have anyone in my life that I can talk to.
I am trying to say to myself this isn't about me, but can't shake the image of them kissing out of my head. I also am thinking that I tell everyone that K is still my wife, and maybe that is the problem also...I have not been able to move on, but I don't think K has either..or maybe that was the last string of hope I was so desperately hanging on to...I have no idea how I am going to get through this...need to stop blogging as I am on a downward spiral right now, going to try and not focus on it by picking up some Uber and Lyft fares at 5 am
I just need to get through this day
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