K thinks I am an Idiot

One hard thing about trying to move forward with K is the fact that she is not being honest with me about this relationship with Q....as I came across another situation this weekend where I was reminded of that.

As I mentioned before, Q lives in our town and some of the kids ages overlap, which increases the likelihood of running int him around town events. This weekend, it was the opening home game of the high school football team and I decided on a whim to take the kids there....as they are really starting to get into football...it is also a cheap fun event to do with kids and that helps in my current situation. When I told K that I was going to take the kids to the game, she started to act strange and a bit off....normally she would have been all over this, not that she sees us together right now but we are trying to act more civil when we are around the kids...Then I remembered, one of Q's kids just started to play on the football team and that means, Q would be at the game also...

So then I made sure we made the game. As we were getting to the field, K was acting more and more uncomfortable, guessing that she is worried right now we are going to cross paths at the game....as she is constantly jumping on her phone to text someone as we get closer to the game, and also checking the phone throughout the game.

So we got to the start of the 2nd half and that is when I saw him...He was starting to walk towards us and then he either saw me or K and he stopped dead in his tracks and watched the game from there. There were points of time I could have sworn he seen me looking at him but then he turned away. Funny enough, another one of his kids was actually right next to me and my kids as K was sitting on the stands right behind us....I am not sure what she was thinking but guessing some of it was she can't believe how close her two worlds are starting to collide.

We actually had to leave a bit before the end of the game and K did her best to try and give us an escape route to stay away fro Q as we exit but one of my kids decided to run up near the part of the fence that he was standing. I decided to go follow my child and was a good 10 feet away from Q at this time...I didn't do anything but turned around and walked out...here was another moment that K probably was sweating bullets.

I wasn't sure what I would have done or say if Q said something to me...there were times when I was going to say something to K or Q during the game, but decided against...my kids were there and I need to focus on them.

I realize it is over with K...started to a few weeks ago but now the dishonesty is starting to impact how we are together around the kids...I know I am the last person to talk about honesty and what I have done, but I am trying to be a better person and move forward from my wrongdoings.

Guilt, Sorrow, and Pain

Another day of pure agony and reflection on how I screwed up so much...I keep going back and forth on how to deal with the latest happenings with K. We ended up talking a little bit yesterday because I had to ask her if she was going to be honest with me about Q, but K says that they are only friends and she is not looking to get into any relationships at this time while we are separated.

I remind myself that this isn't about me and I have to stay focused on fixing myself and being there for my kids...and these thoughts do help for a short moment when I realize Q is around my kids a lot more than he should be...I don't care if the kids are sleeping and Q is not being seen...what happens if one of the older kids wakes up and goes to find his mom? I guess Q would hide somewhere....but this is the part of my thoughts that gets me so angry and thinks about taking the advice from my therapist and getting a lawyer.

I did tell K today that Q cannot be in the house when the kids are there...I did not tell her that I know pretty much everything, I just said that her "friend" can't be around.

I am trying to look past the other night but it is really hard, I know K is going to do what she wants but knowing that I am responsible for putting this whole train in motion really sucks. The amount of guilt, sorrow, and pain that I carry around with me each day has not be reduced and now that it has been a month since the confession, it feels like it will never end.

And the kicker in all this, I need to stop seeing my therapist because of affordability....I was one that never wanted to go and see a therapist, but these last 6 sessions have helped me so much, now I am getting worried about how to handle this on my own.

Worst Night of my Life, The Sequel

I don't know what it is about me but I can't get comfortable or accept the fact that K doesn't want me as her husband anymore. Also, just recently, I posted about making sure the mental part of this disease and depression doesn't  get the better of me by telling myself this thing between K and Q, is K's way of figuring stuff out after the bomb I dropped on her....but tonight that wasn't good enough for me not to sink into the dark thoughts of my brain.

So, just like the first post of the worst night of my life, tonight was almost a duplicate copy but with a little more hurt thrown in. You see, just like before, I ended up about 20 miles from my house tonight at a GA meeting. I like this particular meeting because I can relate and connect well with folks in this particular room. Meeting got done right before 10 pm and as I couldn't resist, headed towards my house to see if a particular car was in the vicinity. Getting there a bit before 10:30, I was relieved not to see Q's car...so I took a few more fares.

Now it is 11:45 pm and I end up driving past my house again, this time Q's car was parked closer to my house than the night before....and I couldn't believe it....my first thought was how many times has this happened before since the two nights I decide to drive by, he is there. And now all three of my kids are in the house...after those initial thoughts, I needed to get better proof than the previous night, so I decided to quickly change into a dark t-shirt that I had packed for the weekend and switched to my sneakers. I decided to walk around the back of my house and sit behind my garage, a location that gave me a good view of the living room and steps leading to the 2nd floor.

Sitting there in the dark shadows of the night, I didn't notice any movement for about 15 minutes and started to think if I was mistaken? But sure enough, my youngest son woke up and started to cry forcing K to go upstairs and soothe him back to sleep...right behind K followed Q...at this point, I went back into the thoughts of me confronting them in my house....I was so irrate and angry because all three of my kids were upstairs sleeping in their rooms and it seemed like Q had no problem just strolling up the steps.

After K was able to get my youngest back to sleep, the countdown was on in my head....saying to myself how long will they be upstairs for tonight...there was no way that Q was going to stay as long as the first time because my two oldest sons would've have been so confused on why he was there in the morning, so I knew it couldn't be past 5am on this particular night.

So as I sit there counting down the minutes in my short sleeve dark t-shirt, the temperature starts to drop and I am starting to get cold. Doing my best to keep myself warm, I was mentally committed to see the proof that a relationship does exist between K and Q, one in which she constantly denies....Minute by minute passes and I am doing my best to not let the cold weather and late hour impact my focus. And then they both come downstairs to check the time on the computer, which said around 3:30am. The 10 minutes that followed seemed like an eternity for me because I was witnessing another man hugging, caressing, and kissing K. She in turn was also kissing and caressing him also and I was hoping it stopped there because I don't know how much more I could watch...so much pain and I feel like I am 100% responsible for this....I was probably at the lowest level of my life....and right now I am looking for anything to save me. I feel horrible and I don't have anyone in my life that I can talk to.

I am trying to say to myself this isn't about me, but can't shake the image of them kissing out of my head. I also am thinking that I tell everyone that K is still my wife, and maybe that is the problem also...I have not been able to move on, but I don't think K has either..or maybe that was the last string of hope I was so desperately hanging on to...I have no idea how I am going to get through this...need to stop blogging as I am on a downward spiral right now, going to try and not focus on it by picking up some Uber and Lyft fares at 5 am

I just need to get through this day

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