Building a new life vs trying to recreate the one that I lost

I went to the normal weekly GA meeting last night and through the therapy time that I had within the room, there was a key insight that I need to remember because I think this will help me continue to look forward.

In my discussion, I shared how this disease and addiction has ruined my life and the life of my family. I went on to say that I would do anything to have that life back, the fun times that I had with my wife and kids when I was not gambling or worried about the money...but then a comment was shared from someone and it went like this:

 "why would you want that life back, it couldn't haven been that great, you were gambling. You need to remember the bad times of the past as well and how that hurt your family by being absent and/or depressed. You need to remember both sides of that life so that you can look forward and build a new life of the positive experiences."

I know it may seem obvious, but it made me think...he is right...why would I want to try and take things back to the way they were...I need to do much better and rid myself of the character defects that have caused me to get to this position. I also remind myself that I can't control the lives of anyone else but my own. I need to stop worrying about what K is doing and continue to work on myself.

I know some of these things have been said before but this recovery is an evolution and I am hoping that the last few weeks were the worst part of it, the pain felt like it was never going to end.


Subscribe to my feed 

A death in the family

How could I be so selfish and make such ruthless decisions? How can I be so blind to the volcano of pain and hurt that I was building as I kept lying and gambling from my family? How could I be such a con man

These are the darkest days in our lives and it is all because of me...Today was tough...My wife said something to me that I struck such a cord..."it feels like the husband that I knew died and that looking at me it will never be the same"...it is like the man and father my family knew died, and knowing that hurts real bad...I never wanted them to feel so alone, but yet that is exactly what happened.

I have to keep reminding myself of this pain so that I can stay committed to fixing my entire self one day at a time, and hoping that one day, I can be seen as resurrecting to a much better, stronger and loving person....but it is still early days and I need to keep my focus.

I also try to remember that if I make another bet, am I willing to lose my kids over it?....this is my only shot to salvage a positive relationship with my kids....and I can't afford to lose that...no bet is worth it, no dollar amount is worth it..