Dark Places

Lately,  I find myself going into a dark place with my thoughts as I sit in the car waiting for my next fare as a Lyft driver. I think of how bad I screwed this up and how much emotional damage I have done to my wife, as she reminds me that we are separated which I understand.

I also have to remind myself of how bad I screwed this up that within the last 18 days since my last bet, I have been asked by my wife, mother, and therapist that if  I have any thoughts of harming myself... Wow, if that isn't a reality check of needing to be honest myself and get help, I truly don't deserve anyone in my life

I am so committed to getting better for myself and my kids. I need to make sure I am there for them in the future because I know how bad it sucks to try and figure life out without a father, as my father passed away when I was young. I am also committed to getting better for my wife but I have to start to accept the fact that I have lost her and she will never take me back...this is something that I am not accepting easy but I have to be fair to her and her life.

Tracker update: 

- Made $489 from the ride share companies last week

- Sold $530 of my stuff on EBay and Craigslist

I also was able to make another GA meeting this past week

I really screwed this up

For the last 24 hours the mental part of this disease is winning...and it isn't even related to me wanting to make another bet, it is around the controlling and paranoia part of me and the mental state that this disease puts me in. I also think working around the clock as a Lyft driver isn't helping me get much rest, as I ended up sleeping in my car on Thursday night trying to make as much money as I can with the second job.

So why do I say that, I realized that it has been about two weeks since I confessed to my wife about how much money that I lost and how much of a liar I had been over the years, that now I am thinking there is another guy waiting in the wings for her. There have been two things that happened in the last 24 hours that are giving me these gut feelings that she is hanging out with him tonight.

I can't say that I am surprised because I did push her to this point over the last few years by abandoning her, but it does hurt to know that any possible slim chance of hope that I had in trying to save my marriage is so quickly evaporating...I am really trying but I also know how much I hurt her.

If she ever reads this blog, I want her to know that I am truly sorry for what I have done and want her to find happiness, even knowing that might not be with me. 

I really screwed this up..

Hope is dwindling

So it has been a few days since I posted because so much happened at the end of last week, it took me awhile to give my brain a break. I can't say it has been getting any better, my wife is now telling her family and close friends that we are separated....so any strays of hope that I had to avoid the separation part are gone, and I deserve every part of it.

The thing I need to remind myself is that I need to take one day at a time and try and stay positive...easier said than done as my new life is taking hold and it is very depressing. I need to get to a stable schedule and then maybe start looking to some positives in my life, nut right now is try and find the bottom of this wreck I created.

I was able to sell some more stuff on EBay/Craiglist for $150 and will update my tracker. I also need to research a GA meeting around my new location, as I will be away from my kids during the work week....that hurts so much....looking forward to the day that changes.

A death in the family

How could I be so selfish and make such ruthless decisions? How can I be so blind to the volcano of pain and hurt that I was building as I kept lying and gambling from my family? How could I be such a con man

These are the darkest days in our lives and it is all because of me...Today was tough...My wife said something to me that I struck such a cord..."it feels like the husband that I knew died and that looking at me it will never be the same"...it is like the man and father my family knew died, and knowing that hurts real bad...I never wanted them to feel so alone, but yet that is exactly what happened.

I have to keep reminding myself of this pain so that I can stay committed to fixing my entire self one day at a time, and hoping that one day, I can be seen as resurrecting to a much better, stronger and loving person....but it is still early days and I need to keep my focus.

I also try to remember that if I make another bet, am I willing to lose my kids over it?....this is my only shot to salvage a positive relationship with my kids....and I can't afford to lose that...no bet is worth it, no dollar amount is worth it..

The first post is the hardest

There is nothing easy about this....I have decided to start writing a blog about my life and how I hit rock bottom....causing so much pain for my family who I will be indebted to forever and in search of hope to seek a better life.

I will do my best to keep my posts connected and not jump around so much with my life experiences but can't promise it due to how the day might go.

So, I must first sit here and give you a little background on me and what does hitting rock bottom really mean for me....I am in my 40's, was married but highly likely on the road to at least a legal seperation, with 3 children. I am seen as somewhat successful in my career but on the inside, I have a gambling addiction disease and depression. My gambling addiction has caused me to lose all of our life savings into the stock market, hiding the losses from my wife and causing me to break up my family.

It had been about 3 days or so since I admitted to my wife and these have been the darkest days of my life....and trust me, I have had some pretty bad days in my childhood (I am sure I will touch upon that at some time in future posts)

I am also writing this blog to provide me as a constant reminder of the pain that I have caused my family, to tell them in so many ways that I am truly sorry for being so sick...and that one day, I hope they can forgive me....For all I want right now is their happiness.