Entering the depths of loneliness

As the days pass by, I find myself going deeper and deeper into a dark state of loneliness...is it because I am not around my family as much, is it because I spend at least 6 hours in the car with my second job as a Lyft driver, or is it because I keep reminding myself of the good life that I had and how I mindlessly through it away...I think it is all three and more and trying to stay positive, but it is hard.

I need to get myself to another GA meeting and I know 1 meeting a week isn't the best path to recovery but I am trying to make as much money as possible to make a dent in the financial debts that I created... my best source of a second income is being a Lyft and Uber driver... and although. The flexibility is great for my situation, the town that I am in is a slow market..my goal was to make $100 a day after expenses and I barely got to $40 on a Tuesday night with the added risk of putting all of these strangers in your car. I will say most passengers are nice and friendly but I do believe that one of my fares last night involved an illegal transaction....not totally sure, but heading into some sketchy parts of town makes me think again of how I got myself into this mess...

I am so sorry for all the harm that I have done to my family and I am really working to fix myself and then maybe one day I can be a better and happy person...One Day at a Time

A death in the family

How could I be so selfish and make such ruthless decisions? How can I be so blind to the volcano of pain and hurt that I was building as I kept lying and gambling from my family? How could I be such a con man

These are the darkest days in our lives and it is all because of me...Today was tough...My wife said something to me that I struck such a cord..."it feels like the husband that I knew died and that looking at me it will never be the same"...it is like the man and father my family knew died, and knowing that hurts real bad...I never wanted them to feel so alone, but yet that is exactly what happened.

I have to keep reminding myself of this pain so that I can stay committed to fixing my entire self one day at a time, and hoping that one day, I can be seen as resurrecting to a much better, stronger and loving person....but it is still early days and I need to keep my focus.

I also try to remember that if I make another bet, am I willing to lose my kids over it?....this is my only shot to salvage a positive relationship with my kids....and I can't afford to lose that...no bet is worth it, no dollar amount is worth it..

1st GA Meeting

I made another very important step in getting myself well today...I went to my 1st Gambler's Anonymous meeting. I had this on the list to do in short order and was worried that if I didn't take the time to do it tonight, there was a high likelihood I would find a reason to keep delaying going.

How would I describe going to the first meeting: Scary but supportive. 

Scary because I realize the disease I have is going to be with me my entire life and that I have to be aware that I can't get complacent with my recovery. I have met people tonight from 2 months to 42 years attending these meetings...and although the individuals were from all areas of life, the stories were all too familiar and I related to many of the stories by the time was done. One quote that I remember is "All walks of life are struggling with this disease; from those coming from jail to those coming from Yale"

The main takeaway is that I need to stay committed to keep going to the meetings as much as possible to get myself well.

Thank you to all of those that were in the meeting and showed great support for me and what I was going through.

Payback tracker update:
- Still waiting to get approved as a driver for Uber and Lyft
- Was able to get a cash reward back from one of the credit cards for $50.00...so I will update the overall balance from there.