Guilt, Sorrow, and Pain

Another day of pure agony and reflection on how I screwed up so much...I keep going back and forth on how to deal with the latest happenings with K. We ended up talking a little bit yesterday because I had to ask her if she was going to be honest with me about Q, but K says that they are only friends and she is not looking to get into any relationships at this time while we are separated.

I remind myself that this isn't about me and I have to stay focused on fixing myself and being there for my kids...and these thoughts do help for a short moment when I realize Q is around my kids a lot more than he should be...I don't care if the kids are sleeping and Q is not being seen...what happens if one of the older kids wakes up and goes to find his mom? I guess Q would hide somewhere....but this is the part of my thoughts that gets me so angry and thinks about taking the advice from my therapist and getting a lawyer.

I did tell K today that Q cannot be in the house when the kids are there...I did not tell her that I know pretty much everything, I just said that her "friend" can't be around.

I am trying to look past the other night but it is really hard, I know K is going to do what she wants but knowing that I am responsible for putting this whole train in motion really sucks. The amount of guilt, sorrow, and pain that I carry around with me each day has not be reduced and now that it has been a month since the confession, it feels like it will never end.

And the kicker in all this, I need to stop seeing my therapist because of affordability....I was one that never wanted to go and see a therapist, but these last 6 sessions have helped me so much, now I am getting worried about how to handle this on my own.