Perfect Storm

In my quest to improve myself and trying to move forward, I need to understand what drove me to lie and lose so much money for so long.

I was starting to explore this in my recent therapy session and I am starting to realize that I was guided by a path of perfectionism. This was instituted in me at an early age from my family and developed in a way that I was going to be on my own to succeed. I was driving my decisions on a path to a "perfect" life with no struggles and no problems and assumed that is what K wanted. I always avoided conflict and even accepting any truths to any problems in my life and that of my family's. I was thinking that this was protecting my family from any pain but all I did was to create a volcano of pain that eventually erupted due to my dishonesty.

With this strive for perfection and the underlying addiction/disease that I have, the last few years created a very stressful environment for me..a perfect storm. I was committed to providing for my family and going through plans that we had for a major addition to our home. Since we have been talking about doing this project for years, we have saved a ton of money for the project. And that is how it all started.

Since I have have access to all of this money, I tried to create a little bit more cushion for us if any surprises come up during construction. So I tried to make money through stock market investments. One loss turned into another....and next thing I knew I was chasing trying to get back to break-even. The progressive nature of the disease was at full throttle and the large invoices continue to pile in from the general contractor...The losses got larger over time because I was chasing a larger loss and losing time in the process since the project was progressing....That is all I could think about during the last two years, managing these large checks out with hoping to go on a winning streak and getting back to break-even as the balance in the account was shrinking fast.

I never got close, and then I find myself to a breaking point where the project was wrapping up and I depleted every aspect of our net worth to zero....making decisions that caused more financial pain in the long run....I was not thinking clearly during those years and see how this addiction is a mental disease.

I sit back and say to myself, I know I am not that man....We worked so hard to get us to the point to start the addition of the house....made all the right moves with our money, and then the perfect storm hit me:

#1. gambling addiction that I have had my whole life
#2. my perfectionism to not be able to talk about anything wrong with our lives
#3. house project that I had me start with access to a large set of $'s

I know this doesn't explain all of it and I am in the early stages of really being honest with myself about all of this...but this is what is going through my head right now...

If you are interested in another resource, here is a great article that I cam across on How Perfectionism destroys Happiness..