Character Defect: Being Impatient

I attended a GA meeting last night because my normal Thursday scheduled meeting didn't happen because of Thanksgiving. I am happy I went because the meeting helped me realize that one of my major character defects is being very impatient. I feel that I am impatient in so many ways and it causes nothing but problems for me down the road.

Here are some ways I am impatient, not in any priority order:

1. My current financial payback plan. I currently was able to setup a plan to payback some of my major debts within a year time frame, which is pretty good given the amount of debt I owe. And don't get me wrong it will take me a good 5 years to get rid of all the debt I created. I have been able to stay on track with this plan for the last 3 months, which is a positive sign....but I find myself always thinking and prioritizing making money over everything else, like working on myself and recovery. I often find myself saying I can make so much more driving Uber if I don't attend this GA meeting. I also find myself pushing to the limits of driving sometimes to get that last fare in.

2. Relationship status with K. I also realize that over the last 3 months, I find myself pushing K to make a decision with what is going to happen between us (separated, divorced, going to couples counseling, etc...) I am not giving her the time she needs to process all that we have been through and find that I am just adding more stress into an already stressful situation. I need to remind myself that I can't control her decisions and she will need to get to that place at her own speed.

3. With my kids. There are times in the past I might have been short with my kids because of how they were getting through the day. I know they are still learning and that many parents can say this, but I want to practice taking a breath and enjoying the moments I have with them...as in lately I only really get to hang out with them for 1-2 days on the weekend.

All of these actions cause me to reflect that I need to start learning to be patience and enjoy the today for what it is...I know it doesn't happen overnight, but one day at a time.

Payback tracker update:
Weekly Uber/Lyft earnings: $557

     

What I am thankful for

An Uber rider reminded me that I need to be thankful for what I have and stop worrying about what you don't have....I found this to be a great reminder that your mindset is such a huge part of your recovery and happiness in life.

Of course, there are plenty of things for me to worry about that remind me of the damage I have done...But this is now all about what I decide to do about it going forward vs looking back. Things could be worse and if I stay focused on the plan that I laid out and execute it one day at a time, I can start to see the slight light at the end of the tunnel. This is the road of being able to forgive myself and then find happiness with the rest of the life I have.

Happy Thanksgiving to all and remember to take it one day at a time

     

Thanksgiving is upon us

I have to admit that I haven't been looking forward to Thanksgiving...this will be the first Thanksgiving in a long time when I will not be with K and the kids, yet another reminder of how much pain I have caused. I am trying not to be down and depressed all week and trying to stay positive.

I will most likely drive with Uber a lot to help pass the time but also earn some extra $'s. I also will spend a little time with my mom to make sure I don't spend the time all alone.

I am trying to stay focused on the positives in my life and thinking about things that I am thankful for, understanding others are in a worse position than I am...I am also trying to stay focused on my financial payback plan and can only attack that 1 day at a time.

     

Meetings Make It

Last night I decided to attend a GA meeting room that have only been at one time before, about 5 weeks ago. I went to this room because based on my crazy 2 job schedule, this was the best option for me and I didn't want to miss a meeting. As I entered the room, there were three people who remembered me by name, what a welcoming and good feeling that was....not that I was nervous to be in that room...but to see that people are actively listening and remembering....it took me by surprise, a pleasant one and immediately made me feel good about picking that room.

Another nice surprise was that they recognized my 90 day mark with a coin....not that I go to GA to get coins...but a nice gesture to keep up with the momentum that I created, understanding that I need to take it one day at a time.

Payback tracker update: Ride share weekly earnings of $505

     

100 days and $10,000

So it has been 100 days since I placed my last bet and today I feel good about that accomplishment...I also was able to focus on making money versus gambling it away and my payback tracker shows me over the $10,000 mark. I know I have a long way to go on so many fronts but today I am going to focus on doing the right thing and not gamble.

This blog has helped me stay committed to my recovery and I am thank for all that support me during this process. I know that it is hard to do this yourself, especially with the impacts the disease has on every aspect of your life...I am committed to becoming a better man for myself so that others in my family can see the real person that I am.

That is all for today, will post shortly.

Payback tracker: Uber/Lyft weekly earnings of $443

     

A small step forward

So there was a small positive step that happened in my recovery yesterday, K and I agreed to attend our first couples therapy session. This came to a huge surprise to me from her but I welcomed it. She also mentioned that she wanted to attend a Gam Anon meeting...another good sign.

It was a very small step forward and at the end of it, we realized that we are not ready to do more couples therapy session. What makes most sense is for K to get help for herself because of how severe of damage I have done with my addiction.

Although I was hoping for a little more progress from the session, I agree with the next step of K getting herself help first...I have to stop rushing this, especially trying to rush her through this process..I am working on that and it is a character defect that I need to change...the impatience and controlling way about me...I am learning to let go of that.

After the session, we actually had a laugh about how the therapist reacted to our current situation and ended up having a quick dinner together...again being careful not to get ahead of myself but I still realize that I love her as a person and will work my butt off to fix myself.


Payback Tracker update:

Uber/Lyft weekly earnings of $476