Thinking there is hope and realizing not

I have been so confused lately... I find myself thinking more about what is going to happen with K in the future and my mind is going crazy. I get these mixed signals from her on days where she calls me and is crying....and then other days she doesn't want anything to do with me... I am obsessing over winning her back and started to realize I am losing track of focusing on myself.

I will say, writing this article for the blog because it is helping me think and realize they aren't mixed signals from K, she is just still dealing with the shakeout as well. I am also not sure if how the relationship with Q is progressing...I have to stop thinking about that and realize I can't control it...

I attribute these thoughts to a few things:
1. Our 14th wedding anniversary just passed this week and that definitely messed with my mental state.

2. My therapist told me in a recent session that I am having a hard time letting go of the relationship and says it is part of the mourning process. She did say it takes some people longer than others but I have to stay focused on me.


All I can say, it is so hard. I will have to say with my focus on what the future holds with K and I, I do find myself not thinking about gambling as much and it has been 56 days since my last bet...only in instances where I think it will be all good with K if I miraculously find a way to pay off all theses debts right away...but I know that isn't the right answer.

At the end of the day, I am reading too much into some signals and conversations with K and also the fact that she is still not being honest with me about her and Q... I then remind myself of how she went about this relationship with Q and quickly slap myself into reality of how painful it feels knowing those details.. damn this hurts...thinking there is hope and realizing not

Update to Payback tracker:
Weekly Uber/Lyft earnings were $430