The text message that was never sent

Tonight was pretty much a typical night for my 2nd job with Uber and Lyft until I encountered one of my last riders. I picked her up from her place of work and was asked to drive over an hour to a hospital, she just received a message from her family letting her know that her grandmother is not doing well and that she needs to head down to the hospital as soon as possible. She was crying in the car as she was trying to get information from her family and also thinking about the worst case scenario for her grandmother.

I was trying to be as respectful as possible making sure I didn't impose on what she was going through but also let her know that I was there if she wanted to talk. I didn't have a tissue but offered her a Dunkin Donuts napkin, one of many that I keep in my middle console. I was able to distract her with random conversation for about half the trip but it had me thinking about my life.

At the end of the fare, I wished her and her family best wishes for what they were going through and immediately started a text message to K. It went something like this:

" I just wanted to send you a quick text letting you know no matter how this works out, I will always love you. I wanted to send you this note because there was a reminder from one of my fares tonight that life is too short....

But then I had to stop myself from finishing the text message...You see, K is still angry at me for a whole host of reasons and she clearly expressed to me that she needs her space from me. And that I need to focusing on fixing myself. I did not want to be accused of emotionally manipulating her as I have done in the past.

So I decided to erase the text and write a blog post once I got home for the night...Not sure if she will ever read this blog, but this post helps me express my feelings for her.

Tracker Update: Sold some items on Ebay for $291


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This is all about the kids

The last couple of days were better for me since I was able to spend some quality time with the kids, who I missed greatly and being around them helps me so much with my mental state and why I have to stay focused on my goal to get better....

Don't get me wrong, there were moments where I kept thinking of everything that I have done to destroy my marriage and life, and I did everything I could not to bring up the fact that I know Q stayed over our house that night....but now is not the right time. K will just think I am not mentally well and maybe push her even further away than she currently is....

I am back at my apartment today and these are the days that are very lonely to me. I am going to try and stay positive and talk to as many rideshare riders as I can.

Tracker update:
Uber and Lyft earnings for the week: $730

Stop thinking this is about me

Throughout the day today, I realized I was thinking about this thing with Q the same way I have been thinking about everything in the past, meaning K is doing this to hurt me...but I realized I can't think like that anymore...

This isn't about me.

This is about K trying to figure out which way to go with her life after I dropped that bomb on her. I now she is going through this mentally as well, and this thing with Q might help stabilize her for a little bit..but I am worried it is just adding more stress onto her already stressed out situation.

So when I starting thinking that Q thing is all about me, I need to slap myself out of it and ask the question what can I do help K through this, even though she doesn't believe a word I say or trust anything that I do right now.

It is going to be hard...because living with the fact that I drove her to this mental state is the damage that I will never be able to repay and I also can't share with her that I feel this way about the situation with Q...I have to give her the space to figure this out.

Bad start to Operation Mental Reset

Operation Mental Reset isn't starting off on a good foot today..Yesterday, K left me the house to stay in for the weekend while she was away at her parents with the kids. I was grateful for that to be able to sleep on the air mattress in the attic but came to realize it was hard being in the house, definitely by myself.

All I could think about was what happened that night with K and Q...where did he sleep? Was it the couch or was it in one of my kids room? I have to believe there is no way that he slept in the same bed with my wife and youngest son....since our youngest has always slept in our bed..

I am having a hard time keeping it together this morning and I was able to spend a few minutes and say hi to my kids...which lead into a conversation with K...that didn't end well because let's be honest, it is still a little over three weeks and the emotion as are still raw for both of us...I don't know where and how this road is going to go but I sure do know that I deserve every ounce of pain because I brought this onto myself....even pushing K away for her to develop a relationship with Q while we were still together under my blanket of financial lies...

To try and change the bad start of the day, I am going to think about what to do with my kids since I will have them for a few days starting tomorrow.

Mental state reset

After going to a GA meeting last night, I met someone who went through something very similar and he gave me some great advice to try and reset my current mental state... he did say it takes time but I need to focus on myself or I will never be healthy for anyone...(sleeping in my car for two nights doesn't help)

I am really trying to start looking at the days by making sure I try and take care of myself... I am still hurting from the other night and knowing that it will take awhile to get over but right now, I have to look forward and be the best person and dad that I can be. I need to understand not and try to change the things you can't control, and I can't control what K wants...I will always be here for her...and I have said in previous posts that after what I did, she deserves to be happy and if Q makes her happy...I have to learn to accept that as hard as it may be.

What a process an emotional rollercoaster this is....

Tracker update:
- Sellin items on EBay and Craigslist for $183

Perhaps one of the worst nights of my life Part 2

So my therapist called me back this morning and basically said: do not confront K and/or Q…K is deciding what kind of life she wants and you can't do anything but learn to accept it...mainly the therapist said, stop focusing on what K is doing and start fixing you. Stick to the plan you laid out and take it one day at a time…My therapist also said to get a lawyer...

I have been thinking about last night all day and right now I am going to try and find the self restraint not to bring it up to K...I am sure she will find out eventually when I tell her about this blog. The pain has been there all day and it comes it many ways. 

Knowing I had suspicions of this before and could predict it, most would say why are you surprised. I  am not surprised but it still hurts when reality sinks in that I will not be married to K...even through all this I really do love her and now I am starting to worry that I am losing my best friend.

But what it starting to really sink in and be very painful is the fact that my youngest son today woke up to see another man in his house that is not his father. This was one of the things I feared most is being replaced as a father...and to have this feeling 3 weeks in is really hard to deal with...I enter such dark places with my thoughts as I wait between Uber/Lyft fares

I am not going to get a lawyer yet, not ready to make such a definitive step with K...I need to focus on making as much money as possible to move closer to my kids as fast as possible...and this is where the old ideas of my gambling problem start to get in my head....need to make money in a different way and not lose the little positive traction over these last 3 weeks.

Does anyone have any good ideas? I am going to start running out of stuff to sell on EBay and being an Uber/ Lyft driver as a full time second job is crushing me even though it is good money...need help with ideas please...

Perhaps one of the worst nights of my life Part 1

Here is how the night started, after a somewhat positive meeting with my therapist, I decided to hit the road early to make a few extra bucks with Lyft. The problem as a driver is that you don't know where the destination is until after you pickup the passenger, and that back-fired against me a few night on my last fare....turning out to be an hour in the opposite direction of where I was sleeping. But last night was different, my first fare sent me almost 15 minutes away from where my house was...now keep in mind, I spend Mon-Fri morning in an apartment about 90 miles away from my house, roughly an 1 1/2 commute....(taking that job 1 year ago definitely was part of the recipe of my downfall...but more on that later)

So with a very big fare and tip right out of the gate, I was pretty optimistic of the night, I actually ate a decent meal for dinner which is out of the ordinary as I am trying to save as much money as possible. And then I picked up some more fares after the sandwich...All is well until one of my very last fares put me right down the street from my house. This is the house that I have been kicked out of during the week and I sleep in the attic during the weekend to spend time with the kids.

Let's say it is around 11:15 p.m. and I end up driving by my house....to see someone walking into the back door. I could somewhat make out the figure and then realize I might know who it is...This is the person I had suspicions something more than a friendship was going with K (separated wife). I talked about him in a previous post and also another ingredient to the recipe for my downfall.(maybe more on that later). Let's call him Q because I hate that letter and want to protect identities. So to make sure it was Q, I needed confirmation because I didn't see his face due to the night....so I went looking for his car...low and behold, his car was parked down the street about 300 feet away...now to ensure it was him, I noticed the specific trade decal on his window...no doubt about it...Q was in my house with K at 11:15pm when K was thinking I was 90 miles away.

I am sure K did a good job planning this night out because she was able to have my two oldest children with their grandparents, keeping the baby with her ( since he can't talk yet, he wouldn't be spilling any beans to dad)

So now what do I do, my head was going crazy...I was freaking out not sure if I should confront both of them, wait until Q left and confront K, or do nothing since K made it very clear we are separated ( but as you can see, I have a hard time accepting that). And I know I did a ton of shitty things to her during our marriage but I still love her and I am hanging onto any hope...what very little that is left. So to get sound advice with no one else to call, I texted my therapist at midnight to see if she was available for a quick call....I know I might be a little bit mentally crazy right now but this is what the disease has done to me....no answer back from my therapist....so I decided to wait to see how long he would be there.

So my initial guess was that they would be having a few drink and he leaves around 2 or 3.. we'll, 3, turned to 4,5,6am and now the sun was coming out and I was worried that my neighbors might recognize me sitting in my car parked on the street away from my house...I was also shocked that Q was there so late to risk being seen by neighbors in the morning...so I decided to leave and try and clear my head

Looking to get away, I took some early fares and grabbed coffee...I swung by the house quickly only to see his car still there at 10am...wow, talk about moving in only 3 weeks after I confess..I deserve every bit of this but I will tell you the hardest part and most pain was sitting there and not doing anything...I can't e plain to you how much that hurt and I keep thinking this is what you get...and if this makes her happy than you can't do anything, it is her life to decide... it it is pure pain and I am not sure how long it will take to go away.

The question that I keep asking myself is as I have had suspicions about Q a few times and she said there was nothing there:

Why won't she be honest with me right now, there is nothing for her to lose after I have confessed on what I did and how much of an a**hole I am?

There are only 3 reasons that I can think of why she is holding back:

#1. She is afraid to hurt me and bring more pain to me right now. (Highly Unlikely)since I don't think it can get much worse....if I am not at rock bottom right now, I feel like I am being dragged across the ocean floor

#2. She is afraid that she might lose custody of the kids if she admitted to anything that happened before the separation. (Maybe) Based on what I have done, I am in no position to be seen as a positive role model right now. I am working my butt off to get better and show my family through my actions, but that takes time

#3. She is afraid to admit that she might have played a slightly bigger role in this whole thing. She states that she had very little part because of her past behavior enabled my gambling addiction and some of her direct comments were 99% responsible for this, but if this whole Q thing was something before my confession, she might feel like she is more than 1% responsible...either way, I don't care and I acknowledge that and take responsibility for destroying my marriage and life of my family members at 100% as stated in an early post. (Highly unlikely)

Or

I am officially crazy and all of these previous dots that I have connected weren't anything and she developed this relationship with Q over the last 3 weeks, everything else was a friendship/crush thing that she took no action on...(Unlikely) I know I am in a crazy mental state at the moment but I am not that naive.

So I have no idea where to go from here and only have my therapist that I can talk to....will fill you in on what happens

Wedding Band

So K said something to me today that was yet another sign of hope dwindling away...she said, " I noticed you are still wearing your wedding band, and all that means to me was a 14 year old lie of a marriage since I don't know who you are"

I know I really hurt my wife with my lies and she has every right not to talk to me ever again...but I am not ready to take off my wedding band. I get through the nights as a driver looking at family pictures and trying to think of the positive moments in my life to keep me from entering the depths or depression, even though K says all those moments were lies and she can't stand thinking about any moment with me because I am a con artist...and she is right...I am a con artist who stole and lied to her...and I know things will never be the same, that is the debt that I will never be able to repay to K and the kids

Can't say that I haven't thought of it....

The reality of my family's world crashing down everyday is so painful...that I would do anything to turn back the clock and put them on a better path without me...I have to come to a realization that my past has always been about me and my controlling nature (some will call me a narcissist)..being honest with yourself is how the The Recovery Program starts...Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over gambling - that our lives had become unmanageable

Hearing the anger, disappointment, rage from my wife and telling me how I really am over our entire marriage is the constant reminder of how much I have been lying and stealing from everyone in my life, including myself...Also, hearing what I have taken from my wife and kids is enough to make you think about how you move on...Going through this now, I understand why an addiction to gambling has the highest rate of suicide than any other disease...

But I can't go there...I need to stay away from those thoughts, too easy to get sucked in...I have to stay focused on how much my kids mean to me...I can't leave them alone without a father..knowing I have destroyed any ounce of a relationship with my wife (not sure if she would even let me call her my wife anymore)..so I will start calling her K, the mother of my kids.

I know these last few posts all seem to be centered around the same thing, but being about 3 weeks into it...these are the only thoughts that are in my head, consuming me and my mental capacity...

Dark Places

Lately,  I find myself going into a dark place with my thoughts as I sit in the car waiting for my next fare as a Lyft driver. I think of how bad I screwed this up and how much emotional damage I have done to my wife, as she reminds me that we are separated which I understand.

I also have to remind myself of how bad I screwed this up that within the last 18 days since my last bet, I have been asked by my wife, mother, and therapist that if  I have any thoughts of harming myself... Wow, if that isn't a reality check of needing to be honest myself and get help, I truly don't deserve anyone in my life

I am so committed to getting better for myself and my kids. I need to make sure I am there for them in the future because I know how bad it sucks to try and figure life out without a father, as my father passed away when I was young. I am also committed to getting better for my wife but I have to start to accept the fact that I have lost her and she will never take me back...this is something that I am not accepting easy but I have to be fair to her and her life.

Tracker update: 

- Made $489 from the ride share companies last week

- Sold $530 of my stuff on EBay and Craigslist

I also was able to make another GA meeting this past week

I really screwed this up

For the last 24 hours the mental part of this disease is winning...and it isn't even related to me wanting to make another bet, it is around the controlling and paranoia part of me and the mental state that this disease puts me in. I also think working around the clock as a Lyft driver isn't helping me get much rest, as I ended up sleeping in my car on Thursday night trying to make as much money as I can with the second job.

So why do I say that, I realized that it has been about two weeks since I confessed to my wife about how much money that I lost and how much of a liar I had been over the years, that now I am thinking there is another guy waiting in the wings for her. There have been two things that happened in the last 24 hours that are giving me these gut feelings that she is hanging out with him tonight.

I can't say that I am surprised because I did push her to this point over the last few years by abandoning her, but it does hurt to know that any possible slim chance of hope that I had in trying to save my marriage is so quickly evaporating...I am really trying but I also know how much I hurt her.

If she ever reads this blog, I want her to know that I am truly sorry for what I have done and want her to find happiness, even knowing that might not be with me. 

I really screwed this up..

Seperated vs Hope

Just a quick post for today as I have been thinking about this during my moonlighting gig as a ride share driver with Lyft and Uber...Now that my wife has been telling her family and some close friends that we are separated, I can't come to accept not wearing my wedding band everyday...even when I talk to my family and limited friends, I am not open about it....

Maybe I am still holding on for the last slight chance things might change in the future, hence one of the goals that I have to stay focused on with this blog... but am I not being honest with myself and need to change...as this is one of the initial steps with GA...

Not sure what to do, will definitely talk to my therapist and GA support group about this..

Entering the depths of loneliness

As the days pass by, I find myself going deeper and deeper into a dark state of loneliness...is it because I am not around my family as much, is it because I spend at least 6 hours in the car with my second job as a Lyft driver, or is it because I keep reminding myself of the good life that I had and how I mindlessly through it away...I think it is all three and more and trying to stay positive, but it is hard.

I need to get myself to another GA meeting and I know 1 meeting a week isn't the best path to recovery but I am trying to make as much money as possible to make a dent in the financial debts that I created... my best source of a second income is being a Lyft and Uber driver... and although. The flexibility is great for my situation, the town that I am in is a slow market..my goal was to make $100 a day after expenses and I barely got to $40 on a Tuesday night with the added risk of putting all of these strangers in your car. I will say most passengers are nice and friendly but I do believe that one of my fares last night involved an illegal transaction....not totally sure, but heading into some sketchy parts of town makes me think again of how I got myself into this mess...

I am so sorry for all the harm that I have done to my family and I am really working to fix myself and then maybe one day I can be a better and happy person...One Day at a Time

Hope is dwindling

So it has been a few days since I posted because so much happened at the end of last week, it took me awhile to give my brain a break. I can't say it has been getting any better, my wife is now telling her family and close friends that we are separated....so any strays of hope that I had to avoid the separation part are gone, and I deserve every part of it.

The thing I need to remind myself is that I need to take one day at a time and try and stay positive...easier said than done as my new life is taking hold and it is very depressing. I need to get to a stable schedule and then maybe start looking to some positives in my life, nut right now is try and find the bottom of this wreck I created.

I was able to sell some more stuff on EBay/Craiglist for $150 and will update my tracker. I also need to research a GA meeting around my new location, as I will be away from my kids during the work week....that hurts so much....looking forward to the day that changes.

If I wasn't already at Rock Bottom, I am pretty close....

So yesterday was a whirlwind of a day for me...I had quite a few times to sit and really reflect about the destruction I have caused and that is what made it tough for me:

- First, I had a long car trip by myself back from a business trip that gave me a solid 3 hours to talk to myself in the car in the early morning commute.

- From there, I went to my weekly therapist conversation where the line that stick with me is "You did a bad thing, but you are not a bad person"...I immediately responded and said, "No, I am a bad person and I need to be seen as a bad person for a very long time for what I have done"...it has only been a week and I am not going to think this is going to solve itself that fast or trick myself that I want to get off the hook that fast...And always a good reminder of when we end the meeting as she asks me if I am thinking about harming myself...I have done so much harm now, that will only make things worst for everyone else but me...and I am trying to flip that equation to improve everyone else's lives but me at this moment...

- Then, I had an appointment to see where I will be living at for most of the week by myself, away from my family from the majority of the time...It just struck me hard knowing that I need to move towards this step, again, I own this entire thing and not trying to run away from it....just hit me hard

- On top of that, I was notified of a very large debt that I owe due to this mental disease and addiction. I always knew this debt was out there, just didn't know the exact number...Well, I got the exact number and that caused my stomach to drop straight to the floor...

- Lastly, I did attend my second GA meeting. I don't see this as a bad thing...just like the therapy sessions I attend...just another opportunity for serious reflection and honesty to myself...What an emotional roller coaster of a day, and this was just from my perspective...I couldn't help to think what my wife was continuing to go through herself.

- Payback Tracker update: I was able to finally get going with Lyft yesterday as my first night as a driver....for about 4 hours, I was able to bring in around $100. I also did sell something on EBAY for $14. I know it might not seem like much, but this is my commitment...and writing this blog, keeping track of the financial debts firsts then the emotional impacts, and fixing myself is my new mission..

Today was a lonely day for me

This really sucks, I still can't believe what I did to hurt my loved ones...and I deserve every ounce of this. Today was the first full day that I haven't talked to my wife or kids in a long time....and it sucks and this is not the life I want to live...I need to show my wife over time that I am truly sorry for how much I have hurt her, and then just hoping that the two of us can have a decent relationship for the sake of our kids...I hope she doesn't keep me for seeing my kids (I can understand if she does because of how much of a disease I am)...It has been about one week since I confessed to her about my gambling addiction and how I have lost our life savings, and I don't expect things to be all good overnight. I just have to remind myself to fight the urge to try and win it all back in one or two big swoops, because that is how I got here in the first place.

I also need to find another GA meeting to go to, I need to get some more help and understand the 12 steps to recovery. I am committing to myself that I will go to another meeting in the next day or so as I travel home from a business trip.

The one thing that I will share, an deep memory of mine that might show me the beginnings of my gambling addiction was when I was around 10 years old and it was with my father. I didn't have many memories with my father as he was diagnosed with cancer when I was 6, battled through 10 years or so with the cancer as it metastasized through his body and ended up taking his life when I was 16 years old...but the one memory is when I use to sit on his lap during the annual New Years Eve party that he had with his friends and playing cards. There would be a group of the guys sitting around the table with stacks of cash in front of them playing cards. I was mesmerized at the concept of being able to win so much money (at the time) by having fun with your friends and playing a game of cards...This was one of many experiences that put in motion, with my character flaws, the disease and depression that I am struggling with today. Don't take this as me blaming my father for my illness, but I am very sensitive to make sure I don't create a similar experience for any of my kids.

I truly hope that I find a way to manage my mental disease and get back to enjoying time with my kids and family....I want to make sure my wife knows that I will always love her even though my actions might say a different thing...and that I am going to work so hard to show her that I am serious about trying to get back to normalcy.

One last note regarding the payback tracker, I have become an authorized Lyft driver today and will start working my 2nd job at night to increase the $'s to payback my wife and family...I see that as another good step in the right direction...One day at a Time.

A death in the family

How could I be so selfish and make such ruthless decisions? How can I be so blind to the volcano of pain and hurt that I was building as I kept lying and gambling from my family? How could I be such a con man

These are the darkest days in our lives and it is all because of me...Today was tough...My wife said something to me that I struck such a cord..."it feels like the husband that I knew died and that looking at me it will never be the same"...it is like the man and father my family knew died, and knowing that hurts real bad...I never wanted them to feel so alone, but yet that is exactly what happened.

I have to keep reminding myself of this pain so that I can stay committed to fixing my entire self one day at a time, and hoping that one day, I can be seen as resurrecting to a much better, stronger and loving person....but it is still early days and I need to keep my focus.

I also try to remember that if I make another bet, am I willing to lose my kids over it?....this is my only shot to salvage a positive relationship with my kids....and I can't afford to lose that...no bet is worth it, no dollar amount is worth it..

1st GA Meeting

I made another very important step in getting myself well today...I went to my 1st Gambler's Anonymous meeting. I had this on the list to do in short order and was worried that if I didn't take the time to do it tonight, there was a high likelihood I would find a reason to keep delaying going.

How would I describe going to the first meeting: Scary but supportive. 

Scary because I realize the disease I have is going to be with me my entire life and that I have to be aware that I can't get complacent with my recovery. I have met people tonight from 2 months to 42 years attending these meetings...and although the individuals were from all areas of life, the stories were all too familiar and I related to many of the stories by the time was done. One quote that I remember is "All walks of life are struggling with this disease; from those coming from jail to those coming from Yale"

The main takeaway is that I need to stay committed to keep going to the meetings as much as possible to get myself well.

Thank you to all of those that were in the meeting and showed great support for me and what I was going through.

Payback tracker update:
- Still waiting to get approved as a driver for Uber and Lyft
- Was able to get a cash reward back from one of the credit cards for $50.00...so I will update the overall balance from there.

Emotional Pain

Another hard day for my wife and family today, as the reality of the situation starts to set in. I have damaged so much, I can't even put it in words...Aside from the entire life savings that I have lost for us, the emotional damage I have done is unforgivable. I know I will probably never be forgiven for what my actions and I also know that my words at this moment don't mean a damn thing...I have to show my wife through my actions that I am going to do everything I can to make sure that she doesn't have to carry the burden of any of my debts that I have created going forward.

As I wrote in a previous post, I have decided to start this blog to make sure I don't forget that amount of pain that I put m family through. And I want to be committed to stay on track and ensure I can pay every penny back, as long as it takes...and knowing that will only take care of the money part...it will not replace the emotional and mental impact I have caused...

On the amount of money I have lost, I won't say a specific amount...to be honest with you, I don't even know how much it is...all I know, it is a lot...let's just use the round number of $1,000,000. So in another effort to stay committed to this blog, I have decided to track my progress on paying my family back....knowing it will take a very long time.

 I also know that there are other people struggling with financial stress in a much lower income level that where I was...but this blog is about trying to find hope and to help with the disease and depression that takes over my life and causes me to lose out on so much happiness that is going on around me..

Things that I have done to start the process of paying it back:
 - Cancelled a subscription to get a refund for $60

I am also looking for a second job, one in which I can work during the 2nd or 3rd shift...trying to see if becoming an Uber or Lyft driver can provide any meaningful $'s...will let you know how that works out.

Lastly for today, I also need to start showing my wife that I am serious about my mental health. I have been to 2 therapist sessions in the past few weeks, but I need to attend a local Gambler's Anonymous meeting to help with my disease....For me to get to the point of seeing a therapist was a huge step....I have never talked to a therapist, and to be completely honest, actually avoided a therapist in the past (more on that in a later post)

Reality Bites

So today was a hard day...Seeing how hard this is going to impact my kids and I need to do everything I can to make sure they know that I will also be there for them. Still in early days of when I broke the news to my wife of how much debt I put us in....and the kids were planning to head to see the grandparents for a few days, but my middle child had a real hard time with me not coming. I have been on many business trips before and had to stay overnight for a few days, but today felt different...saying buy to him, he was acting like he was never going to see me again...and it hurt to see how just the beginning of this is starting to impact them.

I keep asking myself what have I done and how did I get here.. Today was a reminder of no matter how this ends up with my wife, I will always be there for my kids...It might take me awhile to stop working multiple jobs to get us out of this debt....but I will not let them figure life out without their father.

The first post is the hardest

There is nothing easy about this....I have decided to start writing a blog about my life and how I hit rock bottom....causing so much pain for my family who I will be indebted to forever and in search of hope to seek a better life.

I will do my best to keep my posts connected and not jump around so much with my life experiences but can't promise it due to how the day might go.

So, I must first sit here and give you a little background on me and what does hitting rock bottom really mean for me....I am in my 40's, was married but highly likely on the road to at least a legal seperation, with 3 children. I am seen as somewhat successful in my career but on the inside, I have a gambling addiction disease and depression. My gambling addiction has caused me to lose all of our life savings into the stock market, hiding the losses from my wife and causing me to break up my family.

It had been about 3 days or so since I admitted to my wife and these have been the darkest days of my life....and trust me, I have had some pretty bad days in my childhood (I am sure I will touch upon that at some time in future posts)

I am also writing this blog to provide me as a constant reminder of the pain that I have caused my family, to tell them in so many ways that I am truly sorry for being so sick...and that one day, I hope they can forgive me....For all I want right now is their happiness.