Stop thinking this is about me

Throughout the day today, I realized I was thinking about this thing with Q the same way I have been thinking about everything in the past, meaning K is doing this to hurt me...but I realized I can't think like that anymore...

This isn't about me.

This is about K trying to figure out which way to go with her life after I dropped that bomb on her. I now she is going through this mentally as well, and this thing with Q might help stabilize her for a little bit..but I am worried it is just adding more stress onto her already stressed out situation.

So when I starting thinking that Q thing is all about me, I need to slap myself out of it and ask the question what can I do help K through this, even though she doesn't believe a word I say or trust anything that I do right now.

It is going to be hard...because living with the fact that I drove her to this mental state is the damage that I will never be able to repay and I also can't share with her that I feel this way about the situation with Q...I have to give her the space to figure this out.

Mental state reset

After going to a GA meeting last night, I met someone who went through something very similar and he gave me some great advice to try and reset my current mental state... he did say it takes time but I need to focus on myself or I will never be healthy for anyone...(sleeping in my car for two nights doesn't help)

I am really trying to start looking at the days by making sure I try and take care of myself... I am still hurting from the other night and knowing that it will take awhile to get over but right now, I have to look forward and be the best person and dad that I can be. I need to understand not and try to change the things you can't control, and I can't control what K wants...I will always be here for her...and I have said in previous posts that after what I did, she deserves to be happy and if Q makes her happy...I have to learn to accept that as hard as it may be.

What a process an emotional rollercoaster this is....

Tracker update:
- Sellin items on EBay and Craigslist for $183

Perhaps one of the worst nights of my life Part 2

So my therapist called me back this morning and basically said: do not confront K and/or Q…K is deciding what kind of life she wants and you can't do anything but learn to accept it...mainly the therapist said, stop focusing on what K is doing and start fixing you. Stick to the plan you laid out and take it one day at a time…My therapist also said to get a lawyer...

I have been thinking about last night all day and right now I am going to try and find the self restraint not to bring it up to K...I am sure she will find out eventually when I tell her about this blog. The pain has been there all day and it comes it many ways. 

Knowing I had suspicions of this before and could predict it, most would say why are you surprised. I  am not surprised but it still hurts when reality sinks in that I will not be married to K...even through all this I really do love her and now I am starting to worry that I am losing my best friend.

But what it starting to really sink in and be very painful is the fact that my youngest son today woke up to see another man in his house that is not his father. This was one of the things I feared most is being replaced as a father...and to have this feeling 3 weeks in is really hard to deal with...I enter such dark places with my thoughts as I wait between Uber/Lyft fares

I am not going to get a lawyer yet, not ready to make such a definitive step with K...I need to focus on making as much money as possible to move closer to my kids as fast as possible...and this is where the old ideas of my gambling problem start to get in my head....need to make money in a different way and not lose the little positive traction over these last 3 weeks.

Does anyone have any good ideas? I am going to start running out of stuff to sell on EBay and being an Uber/ Lyft driver as a full time second job is crushing me even though it is good money...need help with ideas please...