Perhaps one of the worst nights of my life Part 1

Here is how the night started, after a somewhat positive meeting with my therapist, I decided to hit the road early to make a few extra bucks with Lyft. The problem as a driver is that you don't know where the destination is until after you pickup the passenger, and that back-fired against me a few night on my last fare....turning out to be an hour in the opposite direction of where I was sleeping. But last night was different, my first fare sent me almost 15 minutes away from where my house was...now keep in mind, I spend Mon-Fri morning in an apartment about 90 miles away from my house, roughly an 1 1/2 commute....(taking that job 1 year ago definitely was part of the recipe of my downfall...but more on that later)

So with a very big fare and tip right out of the gate, I was pretty optimistic of the night, I actually ate a decent meal for dinner which is out of the ordinary as I am trying to save as much money as possible. And then I picked up some more fares after the sandwich...All is well until one of my very last fares put me right down the street from my house. This is the house that I have been kicked out of during the week and I sleep in the attic during the weekend to spend time with the kids.

Let's say it is around 11:15 p.m. and I end up driving by my house....to see someone walking into the back door. I could somewhat make out the figure and then realize I might know who it is...This is the person I had suspicions something more than a friendship was going with K (separated wife). I talked about him in a previous post and also another ingredient to the recipe for my downfall.(maybe more on that later). Let's call him Q because I hate that letter and want to protect identities. So to make sure it was Q, I needed confirmation because I didn't see his face due to the night....so I went looking for his car...low and behold, his car was parked down the street about 300 feet away...now to ensure it was him, I noticed the specific trade decal on his window...no doubt about it...Q was in my house with K at 11:15pm when K was thinking I was 90 miles away.

I am sure K did a good job planning this night out because she was able to have my two oldest children with their grandparents, keeping the baby with her ( since he can't talk yet, he wouldn't be spilling any beans to dad)

So now what do I do, my head was going crazy...I was freaking out not sure if I should confront both of them, wait until Q left and confront K, or do nothing since K made it very clear we are separated ( but as you can see, I have a hard time accepting that). And I know I did a ton of shitty things to her during our marriage but I still love her and I am hanging onto any hope...what very little that is left. So to get sound advice with no one else to call, I texted my therapist at midnight to see if she was available for a quick call....I know I might be a little bit mentally crazy right now but this is what the disease has done to me....no answer back from my therapist....so I decided to wait to see how long he would be there.

So my initial guess was that they would be having a few drink and he leaves around 2 or 3.. we'll, 3, turned to 4,5,6am and now the sun was coming out and I was worried that my neighbors might recognize me sitting in my car parked on the street away from my house...I was also shocked that Q was there so late to risk being seen by neighbors in the morning...so I decided to leave and try and clear my head

Looking to get away, I took some early fares and grabbed coffee...I swung by the house quickly only to see his car still there at 10am...wow, talk about moving in only 3 weeks after I confess..I deserve every bit of this but I will tell you the hardest part and most pain was sitting there and not doing anything...I can't e plain to you how much that hurt and I keep thinking this is what you get...and if this makes her happy than you can't do anything, it is her life to decide... it it is pure pain and I am not sure how long it will take to go away.

The question that I keep asking myself is as I have had suspicions about Q a few times and she said there was nothing there:

Why won't she be honest with me right now, there is nothing for her to lose after I have confessed on what I did and how much of an a**hole I am?

There are only 3 reasons that I can think of why she is holding back:

#1. She is afraid to hurt me and bring more pain to me right now. (Highly Unlikely)since I don't think it can get much worse....if I am not at rock bottom right now, I feel like I am being dragged across the ocean floor

#2. She is afraid that she might lose custody of the kids if she admitted to anything that happened before the separation. (Maybe) Based on what I have done, I am in no position to be seen as a positive role model right now. I am working my butt off to get better and show my family through my actions, but that takes time

#3. She is afraid to admit that she might have played a slightly bigger role in this whole thing. She states that she had very little part because of her past behavior enabled my gambling addiction and some of her direct comments were 99% responsible for this, but if this whole Q thing was something before my confession, she might feel like she is more than 1% responsible...either way, I don't care and I acknowledge that and take responsibility for destroying my marriage and life of my family members at 100% as stated in an early post. (Highly unlikely)

Or

I am officially crazy and all of these previous dots that I have connected weren't anything and she developed this relationship with Q over the last 3 weeks, everything else was a friendship/crush thing that she took no action on...(Unlikely) I know I am in a crazy mental state at the moment but I am not that naive.

So I have no idea where to go from here and only have my therapist that I can talk to....will fill you in on what happens