A death in the family

How could I be so selfish and make such ruthless decisions? How can I be so blind to the volcano of pain and hurt that I was building as I kept lying and gambling from my family? How could I be such a con man

These are the darkest days in our lives and it is all because of me...Today was tough...My wife said something to me that I struck such a cord..."it feels like the husband that I knew died and that looking at me it will never be the same"...it is like the man and father my family knew died, and knowing that hurts real bad...I never wanted them to feel so alone, but yet that is exactly what happened.

I have to keep reminding myself of this pain so that I can stay committed to fixing my entire self one day at a time, and hoping that one day, I can be seen as resurrecting to a much better, stronger and loving person....but it is still early days and I need to keep my focus.

I also try to remember that if I make another bet, am I willing to lose my kids over it?....this is my only shot to salvage a positive relationship with my kids....and I can't afford to lose that...no bet is worth it, no dollar amount is worth it..