This anger is directed towards me not you K

So the holiday weekend has passed and it was okay. I did end up seeing my kids for some time, wish it was more but I will take anything I can get right now. I ended up driving a lot this week which is helpful on a couple of fronts: making more money and trying to get my mind of things.

There were some good trips during the week. As I have met folks that I was able to talk to what I am going through and almost used the ride as my therapy session. In particular, there was one couple who I picked up from a local concert and they were both divorced with kids. They helped me understand this is a long road and if I need to show K how committed I am to showing her that I am the person that she thought I was before the confession, but that I am dealing with the addiction and depression at this point. I need to show her over time, through my actions, that although I am at the lowest point in my life, I am committed to becoming stronger everyday...showing her that I am not going to let her or the kids be alone if that is not what she wants. So I really do want to thank that couple for spending the time with me, I will remember their advice...and also the really good tip as well.

But the as the weekend continued to pass, I found myself getting more and more mad at K because of the lack of honesty at this point. And now, it is starting to impact my time with the kids....and that is really starting to get to me. Being able to see the kids only 1-2 days a week is tough. And now that the school and sports schedules are going to start back up, I have a feeling the kid coordination is going to get tricky. I feel like I am being pushed out of my kids lives slowly and slowly, and that is what is getting me angry. I have already come to grips that I lost K for good, trying to hold onto any signs of helpfully having a friendship relationship with her in the future, but the lack of honesty and communication with me and the impact it has on my relationship with my kids is what is going on in my head these last few days.

I try not to get mad at K directly because I am aware I brought this on to myself, I actually am mad at myself and since I have no one to talk to, the little time I talk to her in passing at the end of the night I end up saying too much to her...and recently my frustrations have started to show up in those conversations.

I also found myself now exploring lawyers, I never thought I would end up doing this but feeling like I am getting pushed out of my kids lives, the concern I have that Q lives in the same town and has been at the house with them at multiple times, and the toll driving 8 hours a day as a second job has led me to think that I need to be ready to protect my kids. They are the only ones that are helping me hold it together right now.

Tracker Update:
Uber and Lyft earnings after gas expense was $900




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