This is all about the kids

The last couple of days were better for me since I was able to spend some quality time with the kids, who I missed greatly and being around them helps me so much with my mental state and why I have to stay focused on my goal to get better....

Don't get me wrong, there were moments where I kept thinking of everything that I have done to destroy my marriage and life, and I did everything I could not to bring up the fact that I know Q stayed over our house that night....but now is not the right time. K will just think I am not mentally well and maybe push her even further away than she currently is....

I am back at my apartment today and these are the days that are very lonely to me. I am going to try and stay positive and talk to as many rideshare riders as I can.

Tracker update:
Uber and Lyft earnings for the week: $730

Wedding Band

So K said something to me today that was yet another sign of hope dwindling away...she said, " I noticed you are still wearing your wedding band, and all that means to me was a 14 year old lie of a marriage since I don't know who you are"

I know I really hurt my wife with my lies and she has every right not to talk to me ever again...but I am not ready to take off my wedding band. I get through the nights as a driver looking at family pictures and trying to think of the positive moments in my life to keep me from entering the depths or depression, even though K says all those moments were lies and she can't stand thinking about any moment with me because I am a con artist...and she is right...I am a con artist who stole and lied to her...and I know things will never be the same, that is the debt that I will never be able to repay to K and the kids

Seperated vs Hope

Just a quick post for today as I have been thinking about this during my moonlighting gig as a ride share driver with Lyft and Uber...Now that my wife has been telling her family and some close friends that we are separated, I can't come to accept not wearing my wedding band everyday...even when I talk to my family and limited friends, I am not open about it....

Maybe I am still holding on for the last slight chance things might change in the future, hence one of the goals that I have to stay focused on with this blog... but am I not being honest with myself and need to change...as this is one of the initial steps with GA...

Not sure what to do, will definitely talk to my therapist and GA support group about this..

Hope is dwindling

So it has been a few days since I posted because so much happened at the end of last week, it took me awhile to give my brain a break. I can't say it has been getting any better, my wife is now telling her family and close friends that we are separated....so any strays of hope that I had to avoid the separation part are gone, and I deserve every part of it.

The thing I need to remind myself is that I need to take one day at a time and try and stay positive...easier said than done as my new life is taking hold and it is very depressing. I need to get to a stable schedule and then maybe start looking to some positives in my life, nut right now is try and find the bottom of this wreck I created.

I was able to sell some more stuff on EBay/Craiglist for $150 and will update my tracker. I also need to research a GA meeting around my new location, as I will be away from my kids during the work week....that hurts so much....looking forward to the day that changes.

Today was a lonely day for me

This really sucks, I still can't believe what I did to hurt my loved ones...and I deserve every ounce of this. Today was the first full day that I haven't talked to my wife or kids in a long time....and it sucks and this is not the life I want to live...I need to show my wife over time that I am truly sorry for how much I have hurt her, and then just hoping that the two of us can have a decent relationship for the sake of our kids...I hope she doesn't keep me for seeing my kids (I can understand if she does because of how much of a disease I am)...It has been about one week since I confessed to her about my gambling addiction and how I have lost our life savings, and I don't expect things to be all good overnight. I just have to remind myself to fight the urge to try and win it all back in one or two big swoops, because that is how I got here in the first place.

I also need to find another GA meeting to go to, I need to get some more help and understand the 12 steps to recovery. I am committing to myself that I will go to another meeting in the next day or so as I travel home from a business trip.

The one thing that I will share, an deep memory of mine that might show me the beginnings of my gambling addiction was when I was around 10 years old and it was with my father. I didn't have many memories with my father as he was diagnosed with cancer when I was 6, battled through 10 years or so with the cancer as it metastasized through his body and ended up taking his life when I was 16 years old...but the one memory is when I use to sit on his lap during the annual New Years Eve party that he had with his friends and playing cards. There would be a group of the guys sitting around the table with stacks of cash in front of them playing cards. I was mesmerized at the concept of being able to win so much money (at the time) by having fun with your friends and playing a game of cards...This was one of many experiences that put in motion, with my character flaws, the disease and depression that I am struggling with today. Don't take this as me blaming my father for my illness, but I am very sensitive to make sure I don't create a similar experience for any of my kids.

I truly hope that I find a way to manage my mental disease and get back to enjoying time with my kids and family....I want to make sure my wife knows that I will always love her even though my actions might say a different thing...and that I am going to work so hard to show her that I am serious about trying to get back to normalcy.

One last note regarding the payback tracker, I have become an authorized Lyft driver today and will start working my 2nd job at night to increase the $'s to payback my wife and family...I see that as another good step in the right direction...One day at a Time.

The first post is the hardest

There is nothing easy about this....I have decided to start writing a blog about my life and how I hit rock bottom....causing so much pain for my family who I will be indebted to forever and in search of hope to seek a better life.

I will do my best to keep my posts connected and not jump around so much with my life experiences but can't promise it due to how the day might go.

So, I must first sit here and give you a little background on me and what does hitting rock bottom really mean for me....I am in my 40's, was married but highly likely on the road to at least a legal seperation, with 3 children. I am seen as somewhat successful in my career but on the inside, I have a gambling addiction disease and depression. My gambling addiction has caused me to lose all of our life savings into the stock market, hiding the losses from my wife and causing me to break up my family.

It had been about 3 days or so since I admitted to my wife and these have been the darkest days of my life....and trust me, I have had some pretty bad days in my childhood (I am sure I will touch upon that at some time in future posts)

I am also writing this blog to provide me as a constant reminder of the pain that I have caused my family, to tell them in so many ways that I am truly sorry for being so sick...and that one day, I hope they can forgive me....For all I want right now is their happiness.