Dark Places

Lately,  I find myself going into a dark place with my thoughts as I sit in the car waiting for my next fare as a Lyft driver. I think of how bad I screwed this up and how much emotional damage I have done to my wife, as she reminds me that we are separated which I understand.

I also have to remind myself of how bad I screwed this up that within the last 18 days since my last bet, I have been asked by my wife, mother, and therapist that if  I have any thoughts of harming myself... Wow, if that isn't a reality check of needing to be honest myself and get help, I truly don't deserve anyone in my life

I am so committed to getting better for myself and my kids. I need to make sure I am there for them in the future because I know how bad it sucks to try and figure life out without a father, as my father passed away when I was young. I am also committed to getting better for my wife but I have to start to accept the fact that I have lost her and she will never take me back...this is something that I am not accepting easy but I have to be fair to her and her life.

Tracker update: 

- Made $489 from the ride share companies last week

- Sold $530 of my stuff on EBay and Craigslist

I also was able to make another GA meeting this past week

Entering the depths of loneliness

As the days pass by, I find myself going deeper and deeper into a dark state of loneliness...is it because I am not around my family as much, is it because I spend at least 6 hours in the car with my second job as a Lyft driver, or is it because I keep reminding myself of the good life that I had and how I mindlessly through it away...I think it is all three and more and trying to stay positive, but it is hard.

I need to get myself to another GA meeting and I know 1 meeting a week isn't the best path to recovery but I am trying to make as much money as possible to make a dent in the financial debts that I created... my best source of a second income is being a Lyft and Uber driver... and although. The flexibility is great for my situation, the town that I am in is a slow market..my goal was to make $100 a day after expenses and I barely got to $40 on a Tuesday night with the added risk of putting all of these strangers in your car. I will say most passengers are nice and friendly but I do believe that one of my fares last night involved an illegal transaction....not totally sure, but heading into some sketchy parts of town makes me think again of how I got myself into this mess...

I am so sorry for all the harm that I have done to my family and I am really working to fix myself and then maybe one day I can be a better and happy person...One Day at a Time

Today was a lonely day for me

This really sucks, I still can't believe what I did to hurt my loved ones...and I deserve every ounce of this. Today was the first full day that I haven't talked to my wife or kids in a long time....and it sucks and this is not the life I want to live...I need to show my wife over time that I am truly sorry for how much I have hurt her, and then just hoping that the two of us can have a decent relationship for the sake of our kids...I hope she doesn't keep me for seeing my kids (I can understand if she does because of how much of a disease I am)...It has been about one week since I confessed to her about my gambling addiction and how I have lost our life savings, and I don't expect things to be all good overnight. I just have to remind myself to fight the urge to try and win it all back in one or two big swoops, because that is how I got here in the first place.

I also need to find another GA meeting to go to, I need to get some more help and understand the 12 steps to recovery. I am committing to myself that I will go to another meeting in the next day or so as I travel home from a business trip.

The one thing that I will share, an deep memory of mine that might show me the beginnings of my gambling addiction was when I was around 10 years old and it was with my father. I didn't have many memories with my father as he was diagnosed with cancer when I was 6, battled through 10 years or so with the cancer as it metastasized through his body and ended up taking his life when I was 16 years old...but the one memory is when I use to sit on his lap during the annual New Years Eve party that he had with his friends and playing cards. There would be a group of the guys sitting around the table with stacks of cash in front of them playing cards. I was mesmerized at the concept of being able to win so much money (at the time) by having fun with your friends and playing a game of cards...This was one of many experiences that put in motion, with my character flaws, the disease and depression that I am struggling with today. Don't take this as me blaming my father for my illness, but I am very sensitive to make sure I don't create a similar experience for any of my kids.

I truly hope that I find a way to manage my mental disease and get back to enjoying time with my kids and family....I want to make sure my wife knows that I will always love her even though my actions might say a different thing...and that I am going to work so hard to show her that I am serious about trying to get back to normalcy.

One last note regarding the payback tracker, I have become an authorized Lyft driver today and will start working my 2nd job at night to increase the $'s to payback my wife and family...I see that as another good step in the right direction...One day at a Time.