Can't say that I haven't thought of it....

The reality of my family's world crashing down everyday is so painful...that I would do anything to turn back the clock and put them on a better path without me...I have to come to a realization that my past has always been about me and my controlling nature (some will call me a narcissist)..being honest with yourself is how the The Recovery Program starts...Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over gambling - that our lives had become unmanageable

Hearing the anger, disappointment, rage from my wife and telling me how I really am over our entire marriage is the constant reminder of how much I have been lying and stealing from everyone in my life, including myself...Also, hearing what I have taken from my wife and kids is enough to make you think about how you move on...Going through this now, I understand why an addiction to gambling has the highest rate of suicide than any other disease...

But I can't go there...I need to stay away from those thoughts, too easy to get sucked in...I have to stay focused on how much my kids mean to me...I can't leave them alone without a father..knowing I have destroyed any ounce of a relationship with my wife (not sure if she would even let me call her my wife anymore)..so I will start calling her K, the mother of my kids.

I know these last few posts all seem to be centered around the same thing, but being about 3 weeks into it...these are the only thoughts that are in my head, consuming me and my mental capacity...