I really screwed this up

For the last 24 hours the mental part of this disease is winning...and it isn't even related to me wanting to make another bet, it is around the controlling and paranoia part of me and the mental state that this disease puts me in. I also think working around the clock as a Lyft driver isn't helping me get much rest, as I ended up sleeping in my car on Thursday night trying to make as much money as I can with the second job.

So why do I say that, I realized that it has been about two weeks since I confessed to my wife about how much money that I lost and how much of a liar I had been over the years, that now I am thinking there is another guy waiting in the wings for her. There have been two things that happened in the last 24 hours that are giving me these gut feelings that she is hanging out with him tonight.

I can't say that I am surprised because I did push her to this point over the last few years by abandoning her, but it does hurt to know that any possible slim chance of hope that I had in trying to save my marriage is so quickly evaporating...I am really trying but I also know how much I hurt her.

If she ever reads this blog, I want her to know that I am truly sorry for what I have done and want her to find happiness, even knowing that might not be with me. 

I really screwed this up..