I really screwed this up

For the last 24 hours the mental part of this disease is winning...and it isn't even related to me wanting to make another bet, it is around the controlling and paranoia part of me and the mental state that this disease puts me in. I also think working around the clock as a Lyft driver isn't helping me get much rest, as I ended up sleeping in my car on Thursday night trying to make as much money as I can with the second job.

So why do I say that, I realized that it has been about two weeks since I confessed to my wife about how much money that I lost and how much of a liar I had been over the years, that now I am thinking there is another guy waiting in the wings for her. There have been two things that happened in the last 24 hours that are giving me these gut feelings that she is hanging out with him tonight.

I can't say that I am surprised because I did push her to this point over the last few years by abandoning her, but it does hurt to know that any possible slim chance of hope that I had in trying to save my marriage is so quickly evaporating...I am really trying but I also know how much I hurt her.

If she ever reads this blog, I want her to know that I am truly sorry for what I have done and want her to find happiness, even knowing that might not be with me. 

I really screwed this up..

Entering the depths of loneliness

As the days pass by, I find myself going deeper and deeper into a dark state of loneliness...is it because I am not around my family as much, is it because I spend at least 6 hours in the car with my second job as a Lyft driver, or is it because I keep reminding myself of the good life that I had and how I mindlessly through it away...I think it is all three and more and trying to stay positive, but it is hard.

I need to get myself to another GA meeting and I know 1 meeting a week isn't the best path to recovery but I am trying to make as much money as possible to make a dent in the financial debts that I created... my best source of a second income is being a Lyft and Uber driver... and although. The flexibility is great for my situation, the town that I am in is a slow market..my goal was to make $100 a day after expenses and I barely got to $40 on a Tuesday night with the added risk of putting all of these strangers in your car. I will say most passengers are nice and friendly but I do believe that one of my fares last night involved an illegal transaction....not totally sure, but heading into some sketchy parts of town makes me think again of how I got myself into this mess...

I am so sorry for all the harm that I have done to my family and I am really working to fix myself and then maybe one day I can be a better and happy person...One Day at a Time

The first post is the hardest

There is nothing easy about this....I have decided to start writing a blog about my life and how I hit rock bottom....causing so much pain for my family who I will be indebted to forever and in search of hope to seek a better life.

I will do my best to keep my posts connected and not jump around so much with my life experiences but can't promise it due to how the day might go.

So, I must first sit here and give you a little background on me and what does hitting rock bottom really mean for me....I am in my 40's, was married but highly likely on the road to at least a legal seperation, with 3 children. I am seen as somewhat successful in my career but on the inside, I have a gambling addiction disease and depression. My gambling addiction has caused me to lose all of our life savings into the stock market, hiding the losses from my wife and causing me to break up my family.

It had been about 3 days or so since I admitted to my wife and these have been the darkest days of my life....and trust me, I have had some pretty bad days in my childhood (I am sure I will touch upon that at some time in future posts)

I am also writing this blog to provide me as a constant reminder of the pain that I have caused my family, to tell them in so many ways that I am truly sorry for being so sick...and that one day, I hope they can forgive me....For all I want right now is their happiness.