I really screwed this up

For the last 24 hours the mental part of this disease is winning...and it isn't even related to me wanting to make another bet, it is around the controlling and paranoia part of me and the mental state that this disease puts me in. I also think working around the clock as a Lyft driver isn't helping me get much rest, as I ended up sleeping in my car on Thursday night trying to make as much money as I can with the second job.

So why do I say that, I realized that it has been about two weeks since I confessed to my wife about how much money that I lost and how much of a liar I had been over the years, that now I am thinking there is another guy waiting in the wings for her. There have been two things that happened in the last 24 hours that are giving me these gut feelings that she is hanging out with him tonight.

I can't say that I am surprised because I did push her to this point over the last few years by abandoning her, but it does hurt to know that any possible slim chance of hope that I had in trying to save my marriage is so quickly evaporating...I am really trying but I also know how much I hurt her.

If she ever reads this blog, I want her to know that I am truly sorry for what I have done and want her to find happiness, even knowing that might not be with me. 

I really screwed this up..

Seperated vs Hope

Just a quick post for today as I have been thinking about this during my moonlighting gig as a ride share driver with Lyft and Uber...Now that my wife has been telling her family and some close friends that we are separated, I can't come to accept not wearing my wedding band everyday...even when I talk to my family and limited friends, I am not open about it....

Maybe I am still holding on for the last slight chance things might change in the future, hence one of the goals that I have to stay focused on with this blog... but am I not being honest with myself and need to change...as this is one of the initial steps with GA...

Not sure what to do, will definitely talk to my therapist and GA support group about this..

1st GA Meeting

I made another very important step in getting myself well today...I went to my 1st Gambler's Anonymous meeting. I had this on the list to do in short order and was worried that if I didn't take the time to do it tonight, there was a high likelihood I would find a reason to keep delaying going.

How would I describe going to the first meeting: Scary but supportive. 

Scary because I realize the disease I have is going to be with me my entire life and that I have to be aware that I can't get complacent with my recovery. I have met people tonight from 2 months to 42 years attending these meetings...and although the individuals were from all areas of life, the stories were all too familiar and I related to many of the stories by the time was done. One quote that I remember is "All walks of life are struggling with this disease; from those coming from jail to those coming from Yale"

The main takeaway is that I need to stay committed to keep going to the meetings as much as possible to get myself well.

Thank you to all of those that were in the meeting and showed great support for me and what I was going through.

Payback tracker update:
- Still waiting to get approved as a driver for Uber and Lyft
- Was able to get a cash reward back from one of the credit cards for $50.00...so I will update the overall balance from there.