And to think that I was pass rock bottom

And to think that I already thought that I hit rock bottom....Was I wrong...I will also say that I was struggling with two things in my recovery, and tonight basically help me get past one of those two...the ability to let go of K.

You see, tonight wasn't too much different then some of the previous nights that I posted about:


1. Worst night of my life

2. Worst night of my life, the sequel


I attended my normal weekly GA meeting that is around 20 miles from my house. After taking a few Uber rides, I decided to do a drive by of the house...just because I had a gut feeling. When I drive down my street, I see his car parked closer than he has parked in the past...I guess Q is getting more comfortable with the situation..this was around 12:30 am early Friday morning

The reason why this hurts so bad to me....today (Friday) is my birthday...a day that I haven't been looking forward to for so many reasons and this was the straw that breaks me....

Before tonight, I told K that I didn't want our kids to know it was my birthday because they would want to throw a celebration...and I don't feel that I have earned that from them based on what I have done due to my gambling addiction.

The other reason I don't look forward to my birthday is that I lost a twin brother to suicide 17 years ago and have never really come to grips with that reality. I know I should have seeked out a professional therapist when that happened but never did for another host of reasons.

So already starting to enter a depressed state heading into today, seeing his car in front of my house with my kids in the house is the straw that breaks me... I have no idea what the rest of the day holds for me but right now as I sit in a 24 hour diner typing out this post....I am afraid to get up and leave because I have no idea how I am going to get through the rest of this shitty day.

I know K will probably say a few things like:
- "you shouldn't have been spying on me"...but yet she has been so obsessed and stalked K for the last 6 months, at least

- "we are separated".... true and even though we are not officially divorced, it is more about the mental state she is in vs me...she has the ability to have Q over our house during a time period that is stressful for both of us ...holidays and birthdays

- "I am trying to figure out what I want, this isn't about hurting you"...probably try but for the same reason as the previous one...she is so far up Q's butt that she is not focusing on what she has to do to setup her life without me...focusing most of her mental capacity on Q vs herself and her future.

I don't know anymore...All I know is that I have stopped wearing my wedding band and that I have let her go...I need to do this for my recovery because if not, I am afraid there is more of a rock bottom to reach...

I am in so much pain...