She was hesitant to talk to me at first but then I ended up calling her. We got into a fight over the phone and at the end of it, I realize how much pain that I have caused for her, my kids, and myself...I feel there is a big piece of my recovery that is due to this unresolved relationship with K. I know it has only been 2 months and what I did will take a very long time to get over...but there were a few things that she told me that have stuck in my head:
- " I am afraid of you"
- " You are morally bankrupt"
- " I am not ready to admit to anything with Q"
These comments have been swirling in my head since she said them to me and it really put me a few steps back. I was starting to feel good about some of the positive momentum that I was gaining in the last couple of weeks, and then...BAM! this conversation happened and I took a huge step back.
I let my emotions get the better of me and sent a text that I shouldn't have, which caused the fight. I learned this lesson before that I can not control what K does, but find myself back into that thinking...I need to let go. I also am really concerned about K being afraid of me. I never came close to ever threatening her or the kids...I am not that type of physical person....I am not sure where this came from...I definitely will be thinking about this for awhile.
I also have to stop reading into conversations with K as a signal of hope for us in the future. I have to learn to accept the fact that I lost my wife and I pushed her to this point. I know she will say that she did not have an affair before the separation, but when I look at all of the facts and events leading up to my confession, it sure did hurt me as if there was an affair going on...
Payback tracker update:
- Uber/Lyft weekly earnings $400
- Ebay and Craigslist sales of $52
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