Looking forward vs Looking back

So I got through yesterday as mentally painful as it was and started to realize towards the end of the day that I have to get back on track...I felt like I had so much positive momentum and then I let my thoughts get the better of me...I am depressed or do I have a high level of self pity....probably both but realize that I need to start doing good in the world vs worrying about the past.

So me being in my early 40's, I have to look at my life as was story do I want to tell for the second half? I already wrote the first half and nothing I can do to change that, but with all of those hard life lessons, who do I choose to be moving forward?

As mentioned in my previous post, I have come to the hard realization to let go of K. By holding onto  to her mentally, I have been creating more pain for me and not able to recovery...I didn't want to let go because I don't want it to seem like I am done fighting for her...and that isn't the case...the case is, she doesn't want me and I can't change that...I have surrendered to that reality.

With that, I am also working on surrendering to gambling and really dealing with this disease. I won't forget about the past and will keep working the 12 steps of the program.

That is it for now and more to come....

Payback tracker:
Uber earnings of $330

     

And to think that I was pass rock bottom

And to think that I already thought that I hit rock bottom....Was I wrong...I will also say that I was struggling with two things in my recovery, and tonight basically help me get past one of those two...the ability to let go of K.

You see, tonight wasn't too much different then some of the previous nights that I posted about:


1. Worst night of my life

2. Worst night of my life, the sequel


I attended my normal weekly GA meeting that is around 20 miles from my house. After taking a few Uber rides, I decided to do a drive by of the house...just because I had a gut feeling. When I drive down my street, I see his car parked closer than he has parked in the past...I guess Q is getting more comfortable with the situation..this was around 12:30 am early Friday morning

The reason why this hurts so bad to me....today (Friday) is my birthday...a day that I haven't been looking forward to for so many reasons and this was the straw that breaks me....

Before tonight, I told K that I didn't want our kids to know it was my birthday because they would want to throw a celebration...and I don't feel that I have earned that from them based on what I have done due to my gambling addiction.

The other reason I don't look forward to my birthday is that I lost a twin brother to suicide 17 years ago and have never really come to grips with that reality. I know I should have seeked out a professional therapist when that happened but never did for another host of reasons.

So already starting to enter a depressed state heading into today, seeing his car in front of my house with my kids in the house is the straw that breaks me... I have no idea what the rest of the day holds for me but right now as I sit in a 24 hour diner typing out this post....I am afraid to get up and leave because I have no idea how I am going to get through the rest of this shitty day.

I know K will probably say a few things like:
- "you shouldn't have been spying on me"...but yet she has been so obsessed and stalked K for the last 6 months, at least

- "we are separated".... true and even though we are not officially divorced, it is more about the mental state she is in vs me...she has the ability to have Q over our house during a time period that is stressful for both of us ...holidays and birthdays

- "I am trying to figure out what I want, this isn't about hurting you"...probably try but for the same reason as the previous one...she is so far up Q's butt that she is not focusing on what she has to do to setup her life without me...focusing most of her mental capacity on Q vs herself and her future.

I don't know anymore...All I know is that I have stopped wearing my wedding band and that I have let her go...I need to do this for my recovery because if not, I am afraid there is more of a rock bottom to reach...

I am in so much pain...

     

Bummed out lately

As I sit here and think, how did I ruin my life? And will it ever get better? Some days are better than others and these extended period of times of not seeing my kids until the end of the week for 2 days only really sucks. I know have to remind myself that I am on Day 83 of this recovery. I have been getting better at trying to take one day at a time and only try to change only things in your control.

I did have a recent therapy session and it wasn't that great...mainly because I entered the room in a more depressed state than normal...which felt like a huge step back in my recovery. I was reminded it was a process and see the fact that I haven't placed a bet as the real win for me. I knew this would happen as this time of year are some critical milestones in my life that I am now learning on how to get through these milestones on my own versus with my wife.

Another bummer in my life is trying to think about how do I make additional $'s to remove my dependence on Uber. I will probably always be an Uber driver as a second job but just looking to reduce the number of hours of the grind that I go through most nights during the weeknights.

I am planning on going to a GA meeting tonight so hopefully I can shake out of this mental state a bit.

Payback tracker update:
- Uber/Lyft weekly earning of $572

     

How to save money on gas

Here is an off topic from my normal recovery posts but I thought it was relevant since I am seeking to payback my financial debts that I created and I do earn extra cash driving for Uber and Lyft.

Since I seem to spend around $100 in gas a week with the ride share partners, I make sure that I do these two things to save money:

#1. Use the GasBuddy app. This shows you all of the gas prices in your area and can seek out the best value for your location.

#2. Pay with cash. In the area that I am located, there is around a $0.10 difference in the price if you pay cash vs credit. On a $2.50/gallon price, that equates to a 4% savings. That is about $16 a month that I save by keeping some cash handy when I need to fill up.

Back to my driving....

     

Struggling with 2 things in my recovery

So this will be a quick post, just wanted to jot down some thoughts on my recovery....As I have said before, it is such a roller coaster. Some days are just so hard. I am still struggling with two major points in my recovery:

#1. Learning to Forgive myself for what I have done. This one is going to take a long time...not sure how I get there but I just keep reading articles to see if I can uncover some tips.

#2. Learning to let go of K, my wife. Yet another hard one...some days I sit here and say, I fight so hard to show her that I love her and want to be with her.... and then other days, I think that I am being naive and think that the longer this fling with Q goes that she has already decided what she wants. I think all I am looking for is the opportunity to sit with her and counseling...to see how we both try and move forward on rebuilding trust that we both broke.

All in all, I feel so lonely in my recovery and there are still dark days in my life...a little push to a set of positive thoughts would be welcomed.

Payback tracker update: Uber/Lyft earnings of $547 and attended another GA meeting last night

     

Not looking forward to the holidays

So the holidays will be here before you know it and I am starting to think about how will that go down. This will by my first year in this separation phase with K and I am not looking forward to it. This time of year was normally filled with stress between managing both of our families holiday expectations, and now that we are separated and on a potential road to a divorce, this time of year is shaping to be really holly and jolly (sarcasm)

I have been really trying to stay focus on one day at a time to build a new life and it feels good to see that I have reached 75 days without a bet and also made an extra $8,000 or so...I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I need to stay in the present...one of my triggers is impatience and if I feel that I need to rush this financial payoff, that is where I start getting in trouble. I find myself redirecting the energy to running and I have a goal to run in a 5 Mile race around Thanksgiving....let's see how that goes.

Payoff Tracker Update:
- Uber / Lyft Earnings of $527

     

Helping Others

All things considered, it was a very good weekend. I was able to spend some real quality time with my kids and that is always a great source of hope for me as I stay focused on my recovery. I take the time during the week while I am not with them to think about what we can do for the weekend and also, what can I teach them to be stronger boys/men in the future.

This week, I wanted to make sure they understand the concept of helping others. They helped me donate clothes and books to the local Goodwill store and I talked to them about how it worked and how these items that we donated will go to help others in need.

They were also able to donate some of their profits from a drink stand business that we ran together last weekend. Since I have 3 kids, we split the profits into 4 units...one for each of them and the 4th share to charity. There is a local children's hospital right by our house and we agreed to donate the $2 to the hospital. I know this might not seem like much but I want to keep at this and do a form of volunteering or helping others with my kids so they can start to learn how to help others throughout their lives.

I am starting to also think about other sources of income. As mentioned before, I am a fan of being an Uber/Lyft driver...would like to have other options if I am having a tough time getting in the car to drive..One of my ideas is to become an adjunct professor within the business school of a local university. I know it doesn't make a ton of money, but it does hit upon a few things that I really enjoy...let's see where it goes but it will take a while to get me into the course offerings options (hopefully by the Spring semester)

     

Trying to get back on track

Trying to get back on track with Operation Mental Reset... I feel like I was doing so well and then last week after certain things occurred, my emotions got the better of me and I felt like I took a few steps back. I have to keep my focus on me and realize I have lost my wife. If I try and hold onto her at this moment it will put more pressure on her and will push her away.

It is definitely not easy because of how much she means to me, but I have to remind myself of what I have done and not try and rush this...need to take it one day at a time.

Attended a GA meeting last night ands had dinner with another member helped me significantly.


    

Reminder of how much of a bad person that I am

Today was not a great day...K and I had a conversation after I couldn't handle the emotional and mental swings that I am going through, and it was all triggered by Q. As mentioned in a previous post, I was able to hear another Alexa quick recording of Q being in the house with K and my youngest son...I just kept thinking of how this is impacting my son at such an early age...so I texted K to let her know we needed to talk right away.

She was hesitant to talk to me at first but then I ended up calling her. We got into a fight over the phone and at the end of it, I realize how much pain that I have caused for her, my kids, and myself...I feel there is a big piece of my recovery that is due to this unresolved relationship with K. I know it has only been 2 months and what I did will take a very long time to get over...but there were a few things that she told me that have stuck in my head:

- " I am afraid of you"
- " You are morally bankrupt"
- " I am not ready to admit to anything with Q"

These comments have been swirling in my head since she said them to me and it really put me a few steps back. I was starting to feel good about some of the positive momentum that I was gaining in the last couple of weeks, and then...BAM! this conversation happened and I took a huge step back.

I let my emotions get the better of me and sent a text that I shouldn't have, which caused the fight. I learned this lesson before that I can not control what K does, but find myself back into that thinking...I need to let go. I also am really concerned about K being afraid of me. I never came close to ever threatening her or the kids...I am not that type of physical person....I am not sure where this came from...I definitely will be thinking about this for awhile.

I also have to stop reading into conversations with K as a signal of hope for us in the future. I have to learn to accept the fact that I lost my wife and I pushed her to this point. I know she will say that she did not have an affair before the separation, but when I look at all of the facts and events leading up to my confession, it sure did hurt me as if there was an affair going on...

Payback tracker update:
- Uber/Lyft weekly earnings $400
- Ebay and Craigslist sales of $52


     

Uber: A surprising resource in my recovery

Sitting here bet free at 60 days, I have learned so much about myself. Of course, there were the dark days of the first few weeks but now that I feel a little bit of my new life taking hold, I am so motivated to becoming a better person. With that, I seek so many resources that I can to help me stay focus and provide me the tools and insights one needs to battle through the disease and depression...and a recent surprise of a resource has been Uber.

So the main reason I became an Uber driver was to get some quick money in fast to help start the financial stabilization process. I have been driving for about 6-7 weeks and realize it is so much more to me right now. My therapist did say that was one of the best things I could have done after the confession but it didn't really take hold until last night. I try and meet as many people as possible with no judgments or bias, it helps me with my Operation Mental Reset. And I have meet some folks who have given me some good advice and perspective to get through this stage of the relationship with K...but last night two things happened that solidified Uber as a great resource for me today in my recovery:

#1. There are times that I often think that I need to go out and get back at K and meet some somebody and develop a relationship with them. One that I see as getting back at her because of what has gone on with her and Q. There was a Spanish lady in the car last night and she was definitely doing her best to hit on me...these thoughts came into my mind ever so slightly...and then thinking through it during the ride, I didn't pursue it...I just can't right now...I know what K has done but I am not revengeful...I am still holding onto hope that we can work to try and save our marriage, knowing how much trust has been broken across our marriage. I don't even know if I was given the chance to save our marriage, that I can get past this Q thing...as mentioned in previous posts...I just realize that I am not ready to move on, and definitely don't want to do something to get back at K...I need to do something that has real meaning.

#2. My last ride of the day really had me thinking...it was in a bad part of town and around 2:30 am on a Sunday. There was a young couple with a toddle in a stroller and the riders were only the mom and toddler. The interaction between the mom and dad said it all, the dad barely sees he son and doesn't know how to interact with him as he was just standing there. The mom had to be so direct and she was clearly overwhelmed with no help. As the dad took his son out of the stroller, I ended up helping put the stroller in the car but then the dad quickly gave the child to his mother, and then he turned and went back into his apartment. I drove them for about 7 miles and dropped them off at her parents house where her elderly father came and took the stroller from me as I unpacked it from my trunk. This just reinforced that not matter what happens with K and I, my boys are going to get the best father I can be...and I am going to work so hard everyday to make sure that is true....we actually made plans for a cross country road trip in an RV as well as going to see a space shuttle launch at Cape Canaveral....can't wait...

Although the hours are tough, I am going to keep at it with Uber because of the many benefits it provides me at this time.